Friday, March 18, 2005

McGwire's Mum
During yesterday's Congressional hearings on steroids, former slugger Mark McGwire refused to say whether he ever took performance-enhancing drugs. But he really angered the committee when he did talk for an hour about how to fix Social Security.

McGwire's Tears
Mark McGwire choked back tears during much of his testimony yesterday. Man, steroids really do make you more emotional!

McGwire's Discomfort
McGwire wouldn't say whether he injected himself repeatedly with steroids, but he did need several seat cushions and was unable to sit for longer than 15 minutes at a time.

McGwire's Friends
McGwire also told the Congressional committee he wouldn't discuss steroid use because he "didn't want to hurt his friends." Which means someone should really tell Mark McGwire that Barry Bonds is not his friend.

Wolfowitz Contacts Bono
As he prepares to take over the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz consulted with U2 lead singer Bono yesterday. Wolfowitz emerged with a new plan to provide all the world's poorest people with food, shelter, and yellow-tinted wrap-around sunglasses.

Bush's Travels
President Bush will continue traveling the country talking about Social Security because he says the American people don't yet realize that there's a crisis. If they did, they sure as Hell wouldn't have voted for him!

Cell Phone Porn
Companies that send pornographic images to picture cell phones are expected to make $5 billion this year... meaning now you'll have to ask that annoying guy using the phone next to you to quiet down AND zip up his pants.

Oil for Food
A former United Nations monitor of the oil-for-food program in Iraq told a congressional committee yesterday that large amounts of aid never reached the Iraqi people. Not really because of corruption, but because Kirstie Alley was in charge of most of the supplies.

Brittany's Denial
In an interview in Jane Magazine, Brittany Murphy denies allegations that she needed to use cocaine to lose weight. But she did admit she needs to use cocaine to get through an issue of Jane Magazine.

King Deal
Larry King has signed a new deal to stay on CNN through the year 2009.... which is surprising since Larry King died four years ago.

Jackman Tony's
For the third year in a row, Hugh Jackman will serve as host of the Tony Awards. It's a risky gambit in hopes of finally getting some gay men to watch the show.

Blake's Complaint
After being found not guilty of murdering his wife, Robert Blake complained about the cost of the trial saying, "If you want to know how to go through $10 million in five years, ask me." Of course, Blake could have saved a lot of money by hiring a cheaper lawyer or a better hit man.


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