DeLay's Dad
It turns out Congressman Tom DeLay pulled the plug on his own father 16 years ago, even though the House Majority Leader has been calling Michael Schiavo a "murderer" for trying to do the same thing. But DeLay insists he wanted to spare his dad the excruciating pain of seeing him become the nation's leading hypocrite.

Schiavo Easter
The good news for the religious zealots praying for Terry Schiavo is that she was given a drop of communion wine for Easter yesterday. The bad news is it was given to her by Michael Jackson.

Jacko Ruling
Prosecutors want jurors in the Michael Jackson case to see evidence from the 1993 child molestation civil suit against the pop singer. But defense attorneys say that case isn't relevant because Jackson has replaced all of his body parts at least twice since then.

Jacko Interview
During a phone interview on Jesse Jackson's radio show yesterday, Michael Jackson said the two men now have something in common because they're both Black leaders who have been persecuted. But that statement is being refuted by critics who point out that Jesse Jackson is no longer a leader, and Michael Jackson is no longer Black.

Top 5 Excuses for Not Making the Final Four

5) Players stayed up too late lining up to watch "Miss Congeniality 2"

4) Coach went a little too far with motivational tools he picked up at Abu Ghraib

3) Team was too pre-occupied with midterms and grad school applications to focus on silly things like sports

2) Players just can't shoot, pass, or dribble... oh wait, that's the excuse they use in the NBA

1) At least by losing they can finally get those cheerleaders to shut the hell up