NEWSDAY ALERT!! I have another TWO jokes in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Schiavo Dies
Terri Schiavo has finally died. Now if people want to see a woman slowly dying on TV, they'll just have to watch Paula Zahn's show on CNN.

Coroner's Exam
Terri Schiavo's body is now being examined by the Pinellas County Coroner. He's expected to find that Schiavo died of malnutrition after being repeatedly raped by the news media and religious leaders.

Bush's Reaction
President Bush is expressing sadness at the death of Terri Schiavo. Now he won't have Michael Schiavo's decision to pull the plug on his wife distracting everyone from noticing that Mr. Bush is pulling the plug on Social Security.

Jeb's Statement
Despite Schiavo's death, Florida Governor Jeb Bush says her parents legal efforts to keep her alive were "not in vain." That's because thanks to them, most of America finally understands that we are being governed by and idiots cowards.

Motorcades Arrive
A van with police escorts is arriving at the hospice where Terri Schiavo died to take her body to a funeral home. That van is followed by several other vehicles being used to transport each demonstrator to street corners across from abortion clinics all across America.

Koppel Going
Ted Koppel has announced he is leaving ABC. Luckily for the network, it still has Koppel's hair under contract for another 15 years.

iPod Thefts
New York police are reporting a rash of iPod thefts on the subways. Luckily subway service delays have been so common, most victims have plenty of time to steal them back.

iPod Safety Tips
Police are advising New Yorkers to keep a strong grip on their iPods while riding the subway. The only other way to stop them from being stolen is convincing the thief that your iPod only plays Ashlee Simpson albums.