Charles Postpones
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles will wait until after Pope John Paul II's funeral before getting married. It's a surprising choice, considering they didn't wait for Diana's funeral before they started sleeping with each other.

Pope Remembered
Pope John Paul II is being remembered as a liberator. He helped liberate Eastern Europe from communism, spare Western Europe from spiritual complacency, and save the United States from another week of annoying Terri Schiavo coverage.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Cardinals' Conclave

5) "We need to invigorate Catholic youth; can we vote for one of the Backstreet Boys?"

4) "Too bad we can't hold this conclave at the Neverland Ranch"

3) "So far all the candidates are pretty impressive, but let's see who's ahead after the swimsuit competition"

2) "Okay, which one of you wise guys wrote 'Kick Me!" on top of my skull cap?"

1) "Well, at least this is easier than filling out my NCAA Tournament brackets!"

Voting Procedures
The voting process for the new Pope is held in absolute secrecy. To ensure complete confidentiality and accuracy, the Vatican has rejected an offer from Diebold systems to tabulate the votes electronically.

Voting Procedures II
After each Cardinal's vote is counted it is then doused with chemicals and burned... just like all the absentee votes for John Kerry in Ohio last year.