Thursday, April 07, 2005

Special Newsday Alert!!! I have an entire humorous editorial column in today's New York Newsday!! For those of you who are in the New York City, you can buy the hard copy with a picture of me at the bottom. Here is the online link: Newsday Editorial

MASSIVE TRAFFIC ALERT!! The very popular Web site has linked to my Web site under the "Hot Links" section and the heading "I guess this guy wants to write for Leno?" Here is the link to Hot Link

Pope Funeral Telecast
An estimated 2 billion people, one-third of the planet, is expected to watch the televised broadcast of the Pope John Paul II's funeral tomorrow. The huge viewership will put tremendous pressure on Paul McCartney, Janet Jackson and Kid Rock to keep their halftime performances tasteful.

Pope's Will
The Pope wrote in his will that he considered retiring in 2000... but had to change his mind after all his Internet stocks bombed.

Pope's Will II
The Pope mentioned only his personal secretary and the Chief Rabbi of Rome in his will. He mentioned his secretary to make sure all his written notes were collected properly, and he mentioned the Rabbi to make sure he would find a decent accountant from his congregation to catalogue them properly.

Top 5 Surprises in the Pope's Will

5) Wanted his personal records burned... but only on the George Foreman Grill

4) Predicted the Mets would never win without a decent bullpen

3) Asked the cardinals to make sure that Ashlee Simpson does not sing at his funeral

2) Donated all his extra white skull caps to the Nussbaum Bar Mitzvah

1) Ordered that everyone waiting hours to see his body be given food, water, and a Sony PSP

Schiavo Memo
A staffer for Republican Senator Mel Martinez has been fired for writing the infamous memo on how the GOP could gain politically from the Terri Schiavo case. Martinez says there's no place for that kind of conduct in the Congress... which is why the staffer is now working at the White House.

DeLay Scandal
The New York Times reports that Congressman Tom DeLay's wife and daughter have been paid hundreds of thousands of dollars by his political action committee. But they actually deserve those payments just for having to be Tom DeLay's wife and daughter.

Republican Reaction
Fellow Republicans are privately complaining that all the scandals and criminal investigations surrounding Majority Leader Tom DeLay are hurting the party. But the Congressmen will continue to support him as long as the attention on DeLay takes the focus off all of their own scandals and criminal investigations.

Top 5 Things Tom DeLay's Wife & Daughter Do to Deserve $500,000 Salaries

5) Refill his hairspray bottle five times a day

4) Find new terminally ill patient for him to politically exploit every month

3) Find ways for him to blame Democrats for bad weather, sadness, & toenail fungus

2) Recruit burly men to keep crowds from laughing at his speeches

1) Entertain hundreds of lobbyists always waiting outside his office with music, booze, and strippers

Jacko Accusations
An ex-maid for Michael Jackson testified that the pop star showered with Macaulay Culkin and called him by the nickname "Rubba." She also says he showered with the pudgy Emmanuel Lewis, whose nickname was "blubba."

Rainier Dies
Monaco's Price Rainier died yesterday and his son Prince Albert is taking over the small nation. As a man who's dated dozens of prostitutes and porn stars, Albert will be uniquely qualified to deal with the rest of the world's political leaders

Albert's jobs
As the new leader of Monaco, Prince Albert will have two important jobs: keep the casinos open, and don't forget to comp all the VIP's.