Friday, April 08, 2005

Pope's Burial
A number of items will go in the coffin along with Pope John Paul II's body: his medals, his ring, and most of CNN's ratings.

Next Step
With the Pope's funeral over, the people of the world will now see continued tributes to John Paul II, the cardinals preparing for their conclave, and the resumption of unwatchable programming on MSNBC.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Pope's Funeral

5) "I've got to get this bootleg recording of the service on the streets of Times Square by Sunday"

4) "Those chanting monks should go on American Idol!"

3) "Santo! Santo!... Hey there's Cubs great Ron Santo!"

2) "I've got to download some of these hymns for my new ringtone"

1) "I'm just glad he didn't live to hear about Brad and Angelina"

Paying Respects
Before the funeral for the Pope, President Bush, Bill Clinton, and Condoleezza Rice arrived at the Vatican and knelt in prayer before the body of Pope John Paul II. It's hard to say what was more memorable: the solemnity of the moment, or the fact that there's actually a woman on Earth willing to be seen kneeling next to Bill Clinton.

Jennings' Hope
Many experts feel that Peter Jennings' announcement that he has lung cancer will spur many smokers to quit. Of course, he's already spurred millions of Americans to quit watching network news.

Lucky Duck
A Brooklyn man's life was saved when he bent down to pick up a tube of Chapstick and a stray bullet whizzed past his head. But now he's even in more danger because that Chapstick was once used by Courtney Love.

Arabic Ghandi
This week actor Ben Kingsley unveiled an Arabic version of the film "Gandhi" to a Palestinian audience, hoping to publicize his message of nonviolent resistance. Experts expect the plan to work because anyone who sits through a 3 1/2 hour movie will probably be too tired to blow anything up.

Hastert Recovering
House Speaker Dennis Hastert had kidney stones removed at the National Naval Medical Center this week. That means the only painful prick Hastert has to worry about now is Tom DeLay.

DeLay Attack
House Majority Leader Tom DeLay now says the federal courts are "running amok," mostly because of the failure of Congress to confront them. Of course DeLay and his colleagues could do a better job confronting the courts if they weren't always getting indicted by them.

Train Robber
A New York man was sentenced to three years in prison for impersonating a conductor and taking control of a Long Island Railroad train last year. MTA officials pressed full charges against him not because he broke the law, but because they were embarrassed that his train was the only one to arrive in Penn Station on-time.

Columbia Report
Columbia University has concluded that Middle East Studies professors at the school do not make students who don’t share their views feel intimidated and uncomfortable. But Columbia does admit to making parents who can't afford $40,000 a year in tuition feel intimidated and uncomfortable.

Mammoth Found
A construction crew working in Moorpark, California has found the bones of a half-million-year-old Mammoth at the worksite. Other Ice Age creatures have been found in recent years around Southern California, including a mastodon, a saber toothed tiger, and Jack Valenti.


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