Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Britney Pregnant
Britney Spears has told the world that she is indeed pregnant. The announcement ends weeks of worldwide speculation about whether or not she and Kevin Federline were too dumb to have sex properly.

West Virginia English
West Virginia's state legislature has voted to make English the official state language. It's a strange decision considering no one in West Virginia can actually speak English.

Top 5 Changes in West Virginia Now that English is the State's Official Language

5) State becomes the logical new home for "Shakespeare in the Trailer Park"

4) Most West Virginians will be angered because they only speak "American"

3) People will realize they really do need all their teeth to say
words like "superstitious"

2) State will save millions now that it no longer has to publish tax forms in Gaelic

1) The world's leading foreign born artists and scientists will change their minds and not move to West Virginia as they had dreamed all their lives

DeLay Support?
Responding to a call for the resignation of House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, the White House says President Bush considers him a friend and he "supports the work that he's doing"… especially since what he's mostly doing these days is deflecting criticism from the White House.

Bush Objects
Despite their otherwise friendly relations during this week's summit, President Bush still insisted that Israel's Prime Minister Sharon change plans to expand a West Bank settlement. Experts say Bush really doesn't care, but he has to create some tension so it doesn't look like he and Sharon were on a "man date."

Scientist Dies
Dr. Maurice Hilleman, the man who developed vaccines for mumps, measles, chickenpox, pneumonia, meningitis and other diseases, died Monday at the age of 85. He was the only person alive responsible for more pricks than the Republican National Committee.

Golf Injuries
A new study shows that children who take up golf are getting more head injuries due to errant swings and golf cart mishaps. With more children who play golf, act irresponsibly, and have head injuries… it looks like President Bush is more of an influence on American youth than we all thought!

Nursing Study
A new study debunks the myth that women who are nursing should have a drink of alcohol to help them produce more milk. But the study does confirm that having a little alcohol to relax is how most breast-feeding women got into their situation in the first place.

Judge's Order
A New York City judge is ordering a divorced father to use his legal degree to support his kids, rather than become an ordained minister. It's not that defying the Lord is a prerequisite for becoming a lawyer, but it sure helps.


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