Monday, April 11, 2005

Miss USA
Tonight's Miss USA Pageant is owned and produced by Donald Trump. That means the contestants will be judged in three categories: how elegant they look in evening gowns, how sexy they appear in swimsuits, and how quickly they can sign pre-nuptial agreements.

Rudolph Plea Deal
Eric Robert Rudolph will get several different sentences after pleading guilty to his string of bombings. For the Olympic Park bombing, he'll get 278 years in prison, for the bombing of an Alabama abortion clinic, he'll get 137 years in prison, and for the bombing of a lesbian night club, he'll get a job working with Karl Rove.

Indo-Chinese Accord
India and China have agreed to end their bitter border dispute. The new treaty divides territory equally: from now on India gets all of America's software jobs, and China gets all of America's manufacturing positions.

Sharon-Bush Meeting
During their meetings in Crawford, Texas today, President Bush will try to get Israeli Prime Minister Sharon to back off plans to expand a West Bank settlement. Bush hopes to win Sharon over with promises of more financial aid, more U.S. weapons, and more pie.

Bolton Hearings
The Bush administration insists John Bolton will make a great Ambassador to the United Nations despite his public record of disdain for the UN. Bolton is facing tough opposition from Democrats, but support from the rest of Americans who hate their jobs too.

Safer Minivans
Drivers of GM's new 2005 minivans are reporting fewer problems associated with accidents... not because they're made any better than last year, but because it's hard to crash a vehicle when you can't afford to fill it with gas.


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