Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Stop Hillary
The chairman of the New York State Republican Party is starting a separate organization called "Stop Hillary," which is meant to block Senator Clinton from winning the presidency. Of course, there already is an organization devoted to stopping Hillary; it's called the FOX News Channel.

Top 5 Ways to Stop Hillary Clinton's Presidential Campaign

5) Replace all of Bill's nurses with strippers

4) Release photos of her wearing something other than those cover-all pant suits she always wears

3) Give her a party with no direction and no idea how to win a national election... oh wait, she has that already!

2) Get the Swift Boat Veterans to do a series of commercials claiming she never was a Yankees fan

1) Make sure the same guys who counted the votes in Ohio and Florida are ready for 2008

Papal Challenges
The next pope will have to face huge challenges like rampant poverty in Latin America, the spread of AIDS in Africa, and the erosion of Catholic Church membership in Europe and the United States. So it's a good thing the whole infallibility thing means he'll never make any mistakes.

Conclave Secrecy
The Vatican says it's taken precautions to make sure there's no way the cardinals conclave will be infiltrated by electronic listening devices, computer hackers, or paid spies. However, if they bring in those cute sopranos from the Vienna Boys Choir, all bets are off.

Top 5 Things the New Talking Jesus Doll will Say

5) “Blessed are the meek, for like the little 8-year old Chinese slave laborer who assembled me, they will inherit the Earth”

4) “Render to Caesar what is Caesar’s and render the proof of purchase to the manufacturer for an extended warranty!”

3) “Someone at this table has betrayed me by not changing my batteries on time”

2) “Let he among you who is without sin throw the first stone, but remember that the stones are sold separately”

1) “Whatever you do, don’t go to Michael Jackson’s house!”

Airline Pets
A new law requires U.S. airlines to fully account for all missing pets belonging to passengers. The airlines promise to do that as soon as they fully account for all their missing profits.

Bowflex Settlement
Nautilus has agreed to pay $950,000 to settle allegations that it failed to report on the safety defects in the Bowflex exercise system. That means the two people in the world who actually still use the Bowflex system will get $475,000 each!

Iran Investment
The Bush Administration has announced it will spend $3 million this year to help promote democracy in Iran. The money will come from the funds it receives from Haliburton to help destroy democracy in the U.S.

Troop Withdrawal
Jalal Talabani, the new President of Iraq, says he wants U.S. troops to leave his country within the next two years... which should be about 1 1/2 years after he is assassinated.

Al Zarqawi Missed
Time magazine reports that the U.S. had a chance to kill or capture Abu Musab al Zarqawi before the invasion of Iraq. But the article says the Bush administration let him live because they knew they'd never find a scarier-looking guy to put on a wanted poster.

"Cops" Returns
Fox is bringing back the reality crime show "Cops" for its 18th season, leading many experts to believe that we could have wiped out crime by now if it weren't for all the thugs out there who still want to get on "Cops."

Oldest Discovery
Geologists say a recently discovered piece of zircon crystal is the oldest piece of Earth ever found. Scientists say it's proof the Earth existed more than 4.4 billion years ago, Evangelical Christians say it's proof Adam gave Eve a cheap engagement ring.


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