NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Rudolph’s Motives
Eric Rudolph says he bombed abortion clinics and a lesbian nightclub because, “abortion is murder and aberrant sexual behavior must be stopped with force if necessary.” Police are calling the statement Rudolph’s “manifesto,” but everyone else is calling it by its more commonly known name, “the Republican Party Platform.”

Movin’ Out
After a month-long stay, Billy Joel checked out of the Betty Ford Rehab Center this week. Joel says he’s feeling great, especially because the Center’s frequent visitor program ensures his next visit will be free.

Millionaire Conductor
Despite being a multi-millionaire, a New Jersey man has been working as a conductor on a commuter railroad since 1999. It’s not because he loves trains, it’s just that even he can’t afford to pay for his own health insurance.

Gay Athlete Poll
A new Sports Illustrated poll on gay males in sports shows that most pro athletes think that a homosexual on the squad hurts the team… but only because they wouldn’t feel comfortable asking him to give them their steroid injections.

Death Penalty Thrown Out
The New York State Legislature repealed the state’s death penalty law this week. No one was actually executed during the ten years it was on the books, making the law the only thing less effective than members of the New York State Legislature.

Casting Change
ABC announced that Alfre Woodard will join the cast of Desperate Housewives next season. The show’s name will also be changed to “Desperate for Diversity.”