Steinbrenner Outburst
Yankees owner George Steinbrenner is complaining about his team's 4-8 record, saying he didn't pay $200 million for such ineptitude. Well, now he knows what it was like to donate to the Bush campaign.

Papal Voting Procedures
Black smoke exited a chimney atop the Sistine Chapel today, meaning a vote was taken and a Pope was not selected. White smoke will indicate a Pope has been selected, and smoke with lots of incense and Grateful Dead music means the cardinals are "trying to relax."

Top 5 Signs You're Not Likely to be the Next Pope

5) Fellow cardinals keep telling you how you really don't look good in white

4) To tell the truth, you're not that religious

3) You would like the job, but everyone knows you'd rather spend more time with your kids

2) Riding in the "Pope mobile" always makes you carsick

1) Impossible to find Papal hats in your size

Time Tables
If this Papal selection conclave resembles previous ones, it will take several days and repeated votes to reach a majority. The cardinals like to take their time to consider each candidate, pray for guidance, and sample each of the entrees in the Vatican's 7-day dinner rotation.

Martha Gets Sirius
Martha Stewart is getting her own channel on Sirius Satellite Radio. Along with Howard Stern, Martha will become the second person on Sirius who makes her fortune mostly by demeaning women.

Cruise Horrors
Passengers on the storm-damaged "Norwegian Dawn" cruise ship to the Bahamas said the frightening experience reminded them of the Titanic. Not because the ship was in any real danger, but because the ordeal was almost as nauseating as the movie.

Anti-Japanese Protests
A series of violent anti-Japanese protests has broken out in China as the Chinese people demand Japan make a better accounting for war crimes it committed during World War II. Such protests would never occur in the U.S., not because we aren't prone to anger, but because most Americans don't know any history.