Thursday, April 28, 2005

Newsday Alert!! I have two jokes in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Ridiculing Jake Update!! Two more newspapers have picked up the LA Times editorial that poked a bit of fun at me. Here are the links: The Athens Banner-Herald (Georgia)Athens Banner-Herald and The Yankton Daily Press (South Dakota) The Yankton Daily Press

Bush News Conference
President Bush is holding a televised news conference tonight to discuss his Social Security and Energy plans. But experts say putting the President on TV during prime time is a bad idea because many viewers might confuse it for the latest episode of "Lost."

Woodpecker Found
The ivory-billed woodpecker, long feared extinct, has been rediscovered in a remote part of Arkansas 60 years after the last sighting. The fact that experts have been forced to admit they pre-maturely declared something extinct is giving new hope to all the members of Kool and the Gang.

House Ethics Debate Ends
After a long and bitter stalemate, the House of Representative voted overwhelmingly to reinstate tougher ethics rules Republicans had reversed last year. Now that that's out of the way, all the other members of Congress can finally ger back to acting unethically.

Top 5 Signs Your Congressman is About to be Investigated by the Ethics Committee

5) Every time you call his office, the person on the other end says, "ExxonMobil, how can we help you?"

4) His car has more corporate logos than a NASCAR racer

3) Insists allegations against him are the work of "anti-Christian forces" even though he hasn't been to church in 35 years

2) His office door has a night depository for lobbyist donations

1) He's taken so many foreign trips lately he just isn't harassing the interns anymore

New Army Manual
The Pentagon has released a new army field manual clarifying the rules on prisoner interrogations. The book specifically forbids stripping prisoners, imposing dietary restrictions, using wild animals or anything else you usually see on "Fear Factor."

New Iraqi Government
Iraq's National Assembly overwhelmingly approved the ruling cabinet today, creating a multi-ethnic government filled with people of different faiths and racial backgrounds. After the vote, the Iraqi lawmakers expressed a deep hope that one day Americans will enjoy the same privilege.

Twinkie Turns 75
One of America's favorite junk food snacks, the Twinkie, turns 75 years old today. That's 10 years longer than anyone who eats Twinkies will live.

Kofi on Sesame Street
UN Secretary General Kofi Anan did a guest spot on Sesame Street today. Anan taught Elmo and the other muppets how to count, say the ABC's, and avoid implicating their parents in a massive international oil-for-food scandal.


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