Short Reign
Pope Benedict XVI hinted again today that he expects to have a short reign at the Vatican. Not because he expects to die soon, but because he wants to hurry up and move to America before Social Security runs out of money.

Top 5 Signs You're Just a Transitional Pope

5) The only furniture in your Vatican apartment is an Aerobed

4) Vatican isn't bothering signing you up for any frequent flier programs

3) The papal hat they gave you is adjustable

2) Popemobile driver won't let you change the pre-sets on the radio

1) Your official portrait is being done by a graffiti artist

Hilton-Ritchie Feud
Paris Hilton now openly admits that she and her "Simple Life" co-star Nicole Ritchie are no longer friends. Insiders say the two are feuding over money, men, and how to spell "Cat."

Fonda Spat On
A Vietnam veteran spit tobacco juice on Jane Fonda during a book signing event in Kansas City last night. Fonda says the incident brought back memories, not of her experiences in the anti-war movement, but of her marriage to Roger Vadim.

New Obesity Study
A new study by the Centers for Disease Control shows that obesity is not as much of a lethal health risk as once thought. That's because it turns out the extra weight can cushion the blow whenever you get shot.

No DeLay Probe
House Republicans are offering to begin an ethics investigation of Majority Leader Tom DeLay. But Democrats are rejecting the offer because they say the rules of the probe are stacked in DeLay's favor, and it's just a lot more fun to keep bashing him on the news instead.

White House Defends Bolton
The White House is refuting claims that UN ambassador nominee John Bolton treats his subordinates poorly. In fact, President Bush insists that Bolton has treated him just fine.

Councilman Quotes the Bible
Democratic New York City Councilman Allan Jennings quoted the Bible as he tried to stop his colleagues from censuring him on allegations of sexual misconduct. But Jennings was still censured, and then he was reminded that only Republicans are allowed to use religion to deflect criticism.