Recruiting Cover-Ups
Many Army recruiters say that to fill their dwindling ranks, they're forced to hide the flawed personal histories of many of their recruits. Usually covering up criminal records, psychological problems, and sexual misconduct is only something you have to do if you want to run for Congress.

Top 5 Ways to Cope with Being Rejected by Your First-Choice College

5) Get your dad to threaten the admissions department with political retribution, (for Bush family members only)

4) Remember that at least you know you've been rejected, as opposed to all those suckers on the "wait list"

3) Settle for a career that's perfect for underachieving ignoramuses like you... run for office

2) Convince your parents to let you spend your college fund on something more practical than a liberal arts degree... like the craps tables in Vegas

1) Join the Army... believe me, they're really taking everybody now

Dangerous Times
The Committee to Protect Journalists says the Philippines is now the world's most dangerous country for journalists, followed by Iraq, Colombia, and Bangladesh. However, the U.S. remains the most dangerous country for journalists who want to cover something more relevant than stories about runaway brides.

Laura's Comedy
President Bush says he thinks Laura's roast of him at the White House Correspondent's Dinner was hilarious and he says he's now calling her "Laura Leno Bush." Of course, he will continue to call everyone else who makes fun of him publicly "enemy combatant."

Laura's Comedy II
President Bush says he thinks Laura's roast of him at the White House Correspondent's Dinner was hilarious and he says he's now calling her "Laura Leno Bush." But later his aides politely informed him that he should only call her that if he thinks she ISN'T funny.

Salami Care Package
Two brothers from New Jersey are sending thousands of pounds of salami to the troops in Iraq. Of course, the troops are already getting plenty of baloney from the Pentagon and the White House every day.

Clean Cheerleading Law
The Texas State Legislature has passed a new bill banning overly suggestive cheerleading displays at football games. This is just the latest bill Texas politicians have passed to protect the state's high school football stars from all kinds of unnecessary distractions like sex, drugs, and going to class.

Software Battle
Oracle and SAP are fighting each other tooth and nail for dominance in the business software market. Experts say the winner will be the one who comes up with software that successfully covers up accounting fraud and sexually inappropriate emails written by CEO's.

Bonds Surgery
Giants slugger Barry Bonds has undergone his third knee surgery this year. Experts say this will slow his return to the field because every time he goes into surgery, he isn't able to use steroids for at least a few hours.

Hilton's Statue
Madame Tussaud's in New York City has made a wax replica of Paris Hilton. It's the museum's first statue with more personality and intelligence than its human subject.

Rush Engaged?
Rumor has it that Rush Limbaugh is now engaged to CNN anchorwoman Daryn Kagen. Apparently, Rush desperately needs someone else to help him pick up all his prescriptions.