Still in Love
John Mason, the groom jilted by runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks, told FOX news last night that he still wants to marry her. Mason explained that despite humiliating him on national TV for several days, he's still grateful that she didn't tell anyone about how bad he is in bed.

Top 5 Reasons John Mason Still Wants to Marry his "Runaway Bride"

5) Now his best man finally has some great material for the reception toast

4) Really, really, really likes doing the "Chicken Dance"

3) It's not like Catherine Zeta Jones is answering his phone calls, know what I mean?

2) Hoping to father an entire brood of psychotic and weak children

1) It's either that, or keep living with his mother

Frist Desperate
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist says that he's "running out of options" in a fight with Democrats over President Bush's judicial nominees. If things don't improve, he warned he's thinking of running off to New Mexico and telling everyone he's been kidnapped by "some Latin guy."

ABC "Comedies"
ABC is renewing "America's Funniest Home Videos" and "According to Jim" for another season. Critics note that "America's Funniest Home Videos" is famous for showing people getting hit in the crotch, and "According to Jim" is famous for making people feel like they've been hit in the crotch.

Top 5 Reasons for al Qaeda's Low Morale

5) Can't think of a way to stop "activist judges" from allowing gay marriage

4) Brainwashing is the only kind of washing they're getting lately

3) Fear of phone tracing prevents them from voting for their favorite "American Idol"

2) Rush Limbaugh still not as afraid of them as he is of Hillary Clinton

1) Al Qaeda health insurance co-payments are $15 more this year

Pentagon Complaint
The new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff told a Congressional committee yesterday that the continuing conflict in Iraq is making it almost impossible for the U.S. to conduct military action anywhere else... which means we should begin bombing Iran in about two weeks.

Ashcroft's New Job
Former Attorney General John Ashcroft is starting a security business that will offer security and crisis counseling to major corporations. The firm is expected to advise all companies with sagging profits to blame it on al Qaeda and then come up with a color-coded alert chart to distract angry stockholders.

New Beach Rules
The town of Cape May, New Jersey has repealed a 30 year-old law banning Speedo bathing suits for males over the age of 12. But for public safety reasons, males under the age of 12 will not be allowed to wear bathing suits of any kind when Michael Jackson is in the vicinity.

TimeWarner Data Stolen
Critical data tapes belonging to TimeWarner have been lost and are presumed stolen. The data tapes contain employee financial information, personal addresses, and a readout with all the construction plans for the new Death Star.

TimeWarner Data Stolen II
Data tapes filled with financial information for every TimeWarner employee have been lost and could be used in identity theft crimes. Luckily, most of the company's employees don't have much credit anywhere other than the Warner Brothers store.

TimeWarner Data Stolen III
Data tapes carrying every TimeWarner employee's personal & financial information have been stolen. Police believe it could be an attempt to learn Batman's secret identity.

TimeWarner Data Stolen IV
Two men allegedly using stolen TimeWarner employee identities were arrested in El Segundo, California last night. They were foiled when the night manager at the 7-11 realized there was something funny when they bought $800 worth of Fritos using credit cards issued to "Shaggy" and "Scooby Doo."

Katie's Crush
Katie Holmes says that Tom Cruise was her "first celebrity crush," and she fell for him at age 4. Which makes sense, because 4 year-old girls are the only ones who don't think he's gay.

Woman Rapist
A Norwegian court has convicted a woman for raping a man, after the victim said he awoke to find her giving him oral sex. The woman is being sentenced to 9 months in jail, while the man can look forward to being beaten senseless by every other man he meets for the rest of his life.

MSNBC Name Change
MSNBC is changing its name to "NBC News Channel." Now that the network is ending its 9-year relationship with Microsoft, it hopes to start a relationship with some actual viewers.

Christian Boycott of Microsoft
Right wing religious groups are preparing to boycott all Microsoft products unless the company scales back its support for gay rights. Luckily, all the churches involved are ready to print their monthly bulletins on parchment just like the old days.

Iraqi Cabinet Sworn In
The Iraqi government has just sworn in its new permanent cabinet. The permanent cabinet will grant stability to the Iraqi people, create diplomatic ties to foreign nations, and give the insurgents some permanent targets.