Thursday, May 05, 2005

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Low Turnout
Today's general election in Great Britain is expected to have the lowest voter turnout ever. Experts blame that on dissatisfaction with all the candidates, poor weather, and the fact that Britain doesn't have any Evangelical ministers scaring everyone about gay marriage.

Top 5 Changes Being Made to the Freedom Tower to Accommodate the NYPD's "Security Concerns"

5) "Unarmed Black Male Shooting Gallery" to be installed on first floor

4) Krispy Kreme Donut shops to replace all fitness gyms throughout the building

3) Dozens of cots set up in vacant offices for convenient on-the-job napping

2) Upper floors will be leased to people only from Jersey and Staten Island, so no one will really care what happens to them

1) Clearly-printed "No Terrorists Allowed" signs to be placed strategically on floors 75-100.

Yankee Theft
A huge shipment of Yankee caps scheduled to arrive in the Bronx this weekend is still missing. Of course, most of the Yankee bats and gloves have been missing all season.

Al Qaeda Leader Caught
The Pakistani government says it's captured Abu Farraj al-Libbi, who is considered to be the number 3 man in Al Qaeda. Of course, he was only number 4 in the coaches poll.

Jackson Prosecution Rests
The prosecution rested its case against Michael Jackson yesterday after presenting a parade of witnesses who told dark and bewildering accounts of sex, under-age drinking, and conspiracy. What the Bush family memoirs had to do with this case is really anyone's guess.

Idol Scandal
Former American Idol contestant Corey Clark says while he was having an affair with judge Paula Abdul, she coached him on his song choices, and even picked out his clothes. Well, at least now we know why he lost.

Zarqawi Letter
U.S. forces in Iraq have discovered a letter it believes was addressed to terror mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi complaining about low morale and incompetent planning. Actually, that letter was written by Donald Rumsfeld.

Accurate Movie Listings
New York's Loews Cineplex theaters will begin publicizing the time movies actually start, rather than the time the ads and previews begin. But AMC Movie Theaters promises to go one step further by informing all filmgoers that the Vin Diesel movie they're buying tickets for is definitely going to suck.

Abu Ghraib Defendant's Troubles
A psychologist says that Army Pfc. Lynndie England should not receive a severe sentence in the Abu Ghraib prison scandal because she is speech impaired and has trouble reading... Oh wait, that's actually President Bush's excuse.

Valuable Pope Memorabilia
Collectors say the most valuable piece of Pope John Paul II memorabilia is a trading card worth $8,100. Of course that was the Pope's 1978 irregular rookie card with the picture of him wearing a now-discontinued road Pope uniform.

Jesus in the Air Force?
A new report accuses several cadets and instructors at the U.S. Air Force academy of openly preaching Christian teachings on campus. But experts doubt those findings since most Air Force officers actually think they're God.

Clinton's Crusade
Bill Clinton has announced that his foundation is joining forces with the American Heart Association to combat child obesity. But experts say the former president doesn't have a great track record in this area, especially since the last obese youngster he worked with was Monica Lewinsky.


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