NEWSDAY ALERT!!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

(Yes, there are two jokes in the column by other authors that look A LOT like ones I've written in the past... I guess I "inspired" them)

Top 5 Signs Homeland Security Officials Handled the DC Plane Scare Well

5) Agents scrambled to keep our leadership safe by first securing Dick Cheney, then President Bush

4) Evacuation of Congress was so quick, 5 Senators forgot to pull their pants up before rushing out of their interns' offices

3) Quickly protected America's mental health by getting that stupid runaway bride story off Fox News

2) On orders from the White House, investigators rushed to confirm whether the pilot and the instructor were gay

1) Threat was neutralized before United Airlines executives could use it as an excuse to raid more of the pension fund

Runaway Bride Treatment
Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks has checked into an inpatient program to deal with the mental issues that drove her to fake her abduction. There's still no word on where cable news executives are going to be treated to deal with the mental issues that drove them to cover this stupid story for days on-end.

Lucky Woman
A 70-year old woman fell out of a ninth-story window in Fort Lauderdale yesterday, but she was not seriously injured. Congress is using the incident as an excuse to make further cuts to Medicare.

Culkin's Denial
Former child actor Macaulay Culkin says that he hung out with Michael Jackson when he was 10-years old because the two of them had a "special bond and understanding." They both liked video games, roller coasters, and fine wine.

New Mammal Discovered
Scientists have identified a rodent-like animal in Asia that they say is the first discovery of a new kind of mammal in more than 30 years. Biologists are especially excited to have found the animals before they were eaten by contestants on "Survivor."

Recruiting Suspended
The U.S. Army is suspending all recruiting operations for one day and use that time to re-train recruiters on ethics. Recruiters will be reminded that they cannot falsify documents, intimidate people, or tell potential recruits that they're going to "Club Med Baghdad."

DeLay Dinner
Conservative groups are honoring House Majority Leader Tom DeLay with a gala dinner in Washington this evening. The purpose of the dinner is to show public support for DeLay, bash his liberal critics, and keep him from taking any lobbyist-sponsored out-of-town trips for at least one night.

Vile Protest
A Canadian man was arrested this week after he protested the dumping of raw sewage into the Pacific Ocean by trying to enter a government meeting dressed as a giant piece of human feces. But no charges are being filed against members of the Canadian government, who act like pieces of human feces every day.

Timberlake For Hire
British billionaire Philip Green is offering Justin Timberlake $1 million to perform at his son's Bar Mitzvah. Timberlake is agreeing to the deal, but only if he doesn't have to do the whole Haftorah.