Wednesday, May 11, 2005


DC Emergency Evacuations
The White House and the Capitol building were both evacuated today after a single-engine plane drifted into restricted airspace. Two people were detained, the pilot of the plane and the pilot's wife, who continued yelling at him to stop and ask for directions.

DC Emergency Evacuations II
After today's emergency evacuation at the Capitol, the "all clear" was sounded after 15 minutes. The brief delay in Congressional business actually saved the Social Security trust fund $100 million.

DC Emergency Evacuations III
The state of emergency was quickly rescinded as soon as the plane was judged to be safe, no terror threats were found, and President Bush's poll numbers got back over 50%.

United Pension Plan Cut
A federal court is allowing United Airlines to reduce its pension fund payments to stay in business. United says it's absolutely necessary to raid the pension fund so it can continue funding the airline's executive sexual harassment fund.

Top 5 Signs Your Pension Fund is Being Raided

5) Minimum company retirement age changed from 60 to 115

4) Top executives keep inviting Wal-Mart recruiters to meet with older workers during lunch

3) Instead of mailing benefit checks, company now requires you to collect them in person... in Haiti

2) Company starts killing off older workers by drastically reducing healthcare benefits... oh wait, they're doing that even if you don't have a pension

1) George W. Bush is still in the White House

Macaulay's Testimony
Former child star Macaulay Culkin is expected to testify today that Michael Jackson never did anything out of the ordinary to him during his frequent visits to the Neverland Ranch. That doesn't mean Culkin wasn't abused, it just means Jackson didn't do anything to Culkin that his parents hadn't done already.

Stones Tour
The Rolling Stones were in New York City yesterday to announce a new concert tour beginning in August. The Stones say they'll keep rocking until they've paid every one of their paternity settlements in full.

Top 5 Songs on the New Rolling Stones Album

5) "Help Me Up!"

4) "Gimmie a Tax Shelter"

3) "Brown Splenda"

2) "19th Hip Replacement"

1) "Let's Take a Nap Together"

Bush Praises Georgia
President Bush says that the people of the former Soviet republic of Georgia proved to the world that determined citizens can rise up and claim their freedom from oppressive rulers... unless of course, they try to do it by voting electronically in Ohio.

Bumble Bee's Plan
Bumble Bee Tuna now plans to sell the fish oils it usually just throws away to vitamin makers. Finding a profitable outlet for otherwise useless things is kind of like what happens when companies hire all the former Bush cabinet members.

Coke Bust
Police in New York questioned a man this week after they found him sleeping in a Burger King, asked him to produce identification and instead he pulled out a container of cocaine. He was immediately arrested for impersonating Robert Downey Junior.

Medical Marijuana Law
The New York State Legislature may soon pass a bill allowing doctors to prescribe marijuana for medicinal purposes. The elected officials are finally realizing that using marijuana is the only known way to ease the excruciating pain of cancer, AIDS, and having to work in the New York State Legislature.

New Chili Sauce
A new chili sauce, called "16 Million Reserve" is hitting the market this week. The company says it is 30 times more potent than the spiciest pepper and guaranteed to instantly get rid of the taste of any severed fingers you find in your chili.


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