Women in Combat
Congress is expected to pass a bill that extends the ban on women from serving in ground combat. The Pentagon is supporting the ban, because putting women on the front lines takes them away from the key role they play in humiliating naked Arab prisoners of war.

Top 5 Secrets Revealed in the New Star Wars Movie

5) Darth Vader's heavy breathing is only scary because he could really use some Listerine

4) Evil emperor takes control of the Galaxy using dark side powers, illegal campaign donations

3) Jedi Knights all resoundingly defeated, get shows on Air America

2) Annakin Skywalker attracted to dark side's brute power, huge potential merchandising revenue

1) All the Star Wars geeks camping out at theaters will never get a date... oh wait, that's not a secret

Laura in the Middle East
First Lady Laura Bush will make a solo visit to the Middle East this week. Arab people are hoping Mrs. Bush will show them how to make fun of her husband without being sent to Guantanamo Bay.

Senate Secrets
The Senate intelligence committee will discuss the renewal of the Patriot Act behind closed doors, prompting objections from ACLU lawyers who are worried the Senators might secretly say some prayers.

Larry King for Jacko
Larry King was slated to testify for Michael Jackson's defense today. Of course, King likes Jackson because he's a celebrity, and Jackson likes King because he wears diapers.

Saudi Secrets
A new book called "Secrets of the Kingdom," claims that the Saudi Arabian government has a nation-wide self-destruct system that involves setting off explosives at key oil ports and pipelines. The U.S. self-destruct mechanism involves electing more Republicans to Congress.

Schiavos Meet Benedict
Terri Schiavo's parents met with Pope Benedict this week. They have a lot in common; they're Catholic, devout, and are desperately trying to get back on CNN.

Women's Priorities
A new survey by Allure magazine says that 81% of women believe being good at their job is more important than being attractive. So THAT's why most hookers look so skanky!