Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Senate Compromise?
The U.S. Senate is reportedly close to a deal that would break the filibuster on some of President Bush's judicial nominees. Experts call the deal a "win-win" for both sides because the plan allows the Democrats to keep stalling on three nominations, and the Republicans to keep stalling on health care, education and jobs.

Top 5 Compromises Being Considered to End the Senate Filibuster

5) Democrats will give five conservative judicial nominees an up-or-down vote, Republicans will let Ted Kennedy cut the cafeteria line on "Pudding Day"

4) Republicans will allow three conservative judicial nominations to die, Democrats will allow three terminally brain-damaged women in Florida to live

3) Democrats and Republicans will evenly split money that would have been spent on another month's worth of TV commercials bashing each other

2) Democrats won't block the Republicans' "top choice" nominees, Republicans won't block the Democrats' "top choice" interns

1) Democrats agree to stop abusing the filibuster, Republicans agree to stop abusing everything else

Wal-Mart Deer
A deer that wandered into a Wal-Mart in Norfolk, Nebraska was quickly tackled and then pushed back outside. It's unclear why the deer was mistaken for a union organizer.

Lucas Not Bashing Bush
George Lucas is denying suggestions that there are parallels between the evil emperor in the Star Wars movies and the Bush administration. That's mostly because the emperor clearly knows what he's doing.

Star Wars Dates
Hundreds of Star Wars fans in New York are posting messages online looking for dates to the movie's opening night, but they are all demanding that their dates purchase their own tickets first... which adds an irresistible "cheapness factor" to their already nerdy personalities.

Lord of the Rings Tickets
Tickets for the stage production of Lord of the Rings went on sale this week in Toronto. This caused a major dilemma for the city's leading geeks, who had to decide to either buy tickets or keep camping out in front the theaters showing Star Wars.

Super X-Rays
The Transportation Security Administration says it will soon begin using new x-ray machines that act as "virtual strip searches" because they show a clear picture of what's under a passenger's clothes. But TSA workers are showing great reluctance to use the machine, not because of privacy issues, but because Rosie O'Donnell travels so frequently.

Gay Marriage Poll
A new survey shows that half of Americans disapprove of same-sex marriages and don't want their states to recognize them. The other half wants to wait to see if President Bush's new relationship with Saudi Prince Abdullah brings down gas prices before they make any judgments.

Cuban Protests
About one million Cubans are taking to the streets of Havana today to demand that the U.S. arrest Cuban exile Luis Posada. Cubans want Posada returned to Havana because he's accused of terrorism, conspiracy, and may be holding the entire nation's three remaining rolls of toilet paper.

Good Morning America will become the first morning show to broadcast in high-definition this fall... bringing the super visual accuracy to muffin recipes the nation has craved for years.

Bush's Gifts
President Bush's friends and admirers gave him several high-priced gifts last year, including a $2,700 mountain bike and thousands of dollars worth of fishing gear. Apparently, even Bush's supporters would rather he just stay on vacation.

Madonna at Cannes
Madonna has turned down a slot as a judge at the Cannes film festival because it conflicted with her Kabbalah meetings. Funny, I would have thought it actually just conflicted with her complete inability to recognize a good film.


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