Latino Wins L.A. Mayor's Race
Antonio Villaraigosa became the first Latino to win the Mayor's office in Los Angeles in 133 years with a sweeping victory over incumbent James Hahn. Hahn and his supporters are now expected to seek day labor at construction sites and restaurants.

Top 5 Real Reasons CBS is Canceling "60 Minutes II"

5) Most of show's typical viewers too busy traveling to Canada to buy cheaper arthritis drugs

4) Complies with corporate-owned media's new credo: "If you can't say something nice about President Bush, then don't say anything at all"

3) Nation's best document-forgers all asking for a 15% pay hike

2) Show's elderly anchors taking too many afternoon naps

1) That damned annoying stopwatch finally stopped ticking

Trump's Plan
Donald Trump wants to build an almost-exact replica of the Twin Towers at Ground Zero. While Trump does have experience rebuilding where there was once devastation, this will be a much tougher job than his hairdo.

Battle of the Sexes
A new Life Magazine survey shows that most men want to have sex on the weekend, while most women want to spend their weekends getting some sleep. This actually means men and women can both get what they want on the weekend as long as women are willing to wait three minutes.

Weapons in Space
The Air Force is pushing for a plan to deploy weapons in space. The offensive weapons would include laser-guided missile launchers, spy probes, and two more satellites that broadcast the FOX News Channel.

Grenade Attack
The Secret Service now confirms there was a live grenade thrown near President Bush when he spoke in Tblisi, Georgia last week, but it did not go off. Usually, the only dud you find at a Bush event is the President's speech.

Star Wars Opens Tonight
Huge lines continue to grow outside theaters as "Revenge of the Sith" premieres at midnight. But it's not clear if the crowds are mostly geeky American fans of the movies, or geeky American computer programmers whose jobs have been outsourced to India.

Star Wars Gross
Experts say George Lucas' fictional Star Wars stories will gross more than $20 billion in total box office and merchandising revenues... a figure bettered only by the $240 billion Halliburton has grossed from President Bush's fictional stories about the war in Iraq.