Filibuster Deadline
The clock is ticking on members of the U.S. Senate trying to hammer out a deal on judicial filibusters. They only have until tomorrow before most of them finally begin to realize that 99% of Americans really don't give a damn.

Top 5 New Story-Gathering Procedures at Newsweek

5) Reporters will only copy stories from "The Weekly World News" about aliens, not the war on terror

4) Just to be sure, all questionable anonymous sources will be asked to leave a $50 deposit along with their information

3) Will test to see if members of their special Muslim focus group start to kill each other over any of their stories before they go ahead and publish them

2) New rule: "If publishing the story would actually make the Bush White House look relatively ethical, then kill it!"

1) All stories will now first be checked by two senior editors and Donald Rumsfeld's publicist

Karzai's Defense
Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai says Western countries need to do more to help fight his nation's war on poppy farmers. The United States has immediately pledged to help deplete the Afghan heroin supply by sending Robert Downey Jr. to Kabul.

Supreme Court Illegals
The Supreme Court has rejected an appeal by a Mexican man on death row in Texas who says his sentence should be overturned because he was not able to get legal counsel from Mexico. In its decision, the court cited international law, the Constitution, and everything they've learned from watching Lou Dobbs on CNN.