Friday, May 27, 2005

WEB ALERT!! I was featured Thursday in the "Pass It On" section on the popular Web site! Here's the link (you'll find it on the bottom of the homepage or in the "Pass It On archive): Pass It On

Bolton Vote Delayed
Last night the Senate moved to delay the confirmation vote for U.N. Ambassador nominee John Bolton. This works well for both sides; the Democrats get to canvas for more votes against Bolton, while the Republicans get more time to figure out how to make this another religious issue.

Top 5 Things Mahmoud Abbas Will Do with the New $50 million in U.S. Aid

5) Order massive new food subsidies... for Suha Arafat

4) Ensure Israelis really do move out of Gaza by paying back their security deposit

3) Buy fleet of limos for Palestinian officials because even they're afraid to ride the bus

2) Find some way to get "Everybody Loves Raymond" back on the air

1) Earmark the first $1 million to fight corruption, then steal the rest

Spice Girls Reunion?
The Spice Girls may reunite to perform at a new Live Aid concert to fight world hunger. It's a brilliant move because after seeing them perform again, even the world's starving people will never want to eat again.

Zarqawi Injury Confirmed
Iraq's government says insurgent leader Abu Musab al Zarqawi has indeed been injured and has fled to a neighboring country for treatment. The fact that we don't know which country he went to is frustrating the Pentagon, but at least we now have an excuse to bomb Iran AND Syria.

Zarqawi Cell Depleted
Reports say most of insurgent leader Abu Musab al Zarqawi's inner circle is vanishing. Informers say they've either been killed, captured, or joined that other terror group with the better health plan.

Top 5 Things the U.S. Will Do with the $25 million They Now Won't Have to Pay for Zarqawi's Capture

5) Pay expensive plumber to fix all the toilets at Guantanamo Bay clogged with copies of the Koran

4) Pay for a week's worth of Dick Cheney's heart pills

3) Bush has 3 1/2 more years in office... better save it for the next war

2) Go to every newsstand every week and buy every copy of Newsweek before anyone finds out the other crap they're pulling

1) Ah, who are we kidding? They're just gonna give it to Halliburton!

D'Amato Favoritism?
Critics say a decision to give former Senator Al D'Amato's wife Katuria a $38,000 job on a Long Island zoning board amounts to unfair favoritism. But experts say it all evens out, because every night she still has to sleep with Al D'Amato.

CIA War Game
The CIA is simulating a mock cyber war, to see how prepared the U.S. would be if sensitive web sites were hacked by terrorists. But critics are wondering if this is the best time to conduct this exercise, since all the CIA's best computer geeks are still busy watching the Star Wars movie.

Kleinfeld's Move
After 54 years, the famed upscale Kleinfeld's bridal shop is moving from Bay Ridge, Brooklyn to Manhattan. This means the only overpriced thing left in Bay Ridge is the toll for the Verrazano bridge.


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