Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Bush on Stem Cells
President Bush is speaking out against stem cell research saying "we should not use public money to support the further destruction of human life." Does that mean we're pulling out of Iraq soon?

Top 5 Bush Administration Alternatives to Stem Cell Research

5) Instead of growing new organs with stem cells, just take some from Iraqi prisoners!

4) Only let stem cell researchers destroy some human embryos… the gay ones

3) Drill for fresh organs in the Alaskan National Wildlife Reserve

2) Instead of freezing human embryos, just harvest human body parts from your local Wendy's

1) Ask Jesus really nicely to stop making people sick

Stem Cell Congress
Right wing members of Congress are vowing to block new stem cell research despite new evidence that it could offer treatments for many debilitating ailments. But that could change as soon as someone proves that stem cell research can cure the debilitating mental ailments that affect right wing members of Congress.

Leno's Testimony
Jay Leno says it "sounded phony" when the child accuser in the Michael Jackson trial told him he was his hero. But it's not clear if it sounded any phonier than it does when Kevin Eubanks tells him the same thing every night.

Al-Zarqawi Hurt
An al Qaeda Web site claims that Iraqi insurgent leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi has been injured. The terrorist group is using the news to give Zaqawi hero status, implore followers to stage more attacks, and clearly explain its policies for calling in sick.

Unhappy Meals
An entertainment watchdog group says Burger King's "Star Wars"-themed children's meals amount to an endorsement of movie violence. Burger King denies that, insisting that its meals have always only amounted to an endorsement of childhood obesity.

GM Discount Push
In hopes of boosting sagging sales, General Motors is asking its retired executives to offer their vehicle discounts to other people. It's not really much of a sacrifice, since nobody who's ever worked at GM is actually dumb enough to buy one of their cars!

GM Discount Push II
In hopes of boosting sagging sales, General Motors is asking its retired executives to give away their vehicle discounts. In a related story, GM is asking all its non-executive retirees to give away their pensions and health care insurance.

No Nukes
The U.S. Senate cut a deal on judicial filibusters just before Republican Senators had to resort to the dreaded "nuclear option"… which included killing debate, slowing Senate business, and canceling a whole week's worth of everyone's fundraisers.

No Nukes II
By making a deal to avoid further filibustering, the Senate has saved itself from descending into an all-out war, saved the judiciary from continued vacancies, and saved America from having to see any more of Bill Frist and Harry Reid on CNN.

Frist Hurt?
Some political experts say Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist's inability to force an up or down vote on all the judicial nominees will hurt his presidential chances. But others say that if the Republicans rejected candidates simply because they couldn't accomplish anything, they certainly wouldn't have nominated George W. Bush!

Laura's Back
First Lady Laura Bush is back from her 5-day Middle East trip. Now if she wants to see a bunch of hot-headed religious fanatics, she'll just have to visit Congress.

Spyware Bill
The House has voted to establish new penalties for people who make Internet software that gathers personal information from a user's computer. Members of Congress want to make it clear that it's only okay for the government to illegally spy on you.

College Drop-Outs
A new study shows that the college dropout rate is soaring. Experts believe it's because most students would rather not wait four years to be unemployed when they can be unemployed now.

Wal-Mart Art
The family that owns Wal-Mart is planning to build a $50 million art museum in their hometown of Bentonville, Arkansas. The only question is: how will they get the museum all the way to Arkansas once they're finished making it in China?

Graves Released
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Danny Graves has been released after he made an obscene gesture to a fan at a game on Sunday. There's no word yet on whether anyone else in the organization will be fired for the obscene gesture of charging $49 per seat at every Reds game.


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