Thursday, May 26, 2005

Runaway Bride Charged
A Georgia grand jury has charged runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks with one count of making false statements, and one count of making a false report of a crime. If convicted, she could face jail time, fines, and a job offer at Newsweek.

Runaway Bride Charged II
A Georgia grand jury has charged runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks with one count of making false statements, one count of making a false report of a crime, and one count of falsely making people think that her story would boost MSNBC's ratings.

Disney Boycott Over
Conservative Christian groups are ending their boycott of Disney. Church leaders realized that now that they control the entire Republican party, why should they waste their time on just one corporation?

Top 5 Christian-Approved New Attractions at DisneyWorld

5) "Burn the Witch at the Stake Mountain"

4) "Pinocchio's Evolution Fairy Tales"

3) "Armageddon Land"

2) "The Hall of Republican Presidents"

1) "Missionaries of the Caribbean"

No Jacko Testimony
Defense lawyers say Michael Jackson will not testify in his own defense at his child molestation trial. But it's not clear if he's keeping quiet because he's going to win his case anyway, or because his new plastic lips aren't working yet.

Stem Cell Filibuster
Many of the same U.S. Senators who called the Democrats' filibuster of conservative judicial nominees a unfair tactic are vowing a filibuster of their own to stop any vote on stem cell research. Apparently, they're worried stem cell research could lead to a cure for hypocrisy.

Top 5 Signs Partisan Members of the Senate Still Aren't Getting Along

5) Conservative Republicans still putting "kick me" sign on Hillary's back every time she leaves the Senate floor

4) After 2 years, Senators who voted for Reuben Studdard still not talking to Senators who voted for Clay Aiken

3) John Kerry still refusing to date Republican Senator's wives... even if they're rich!

2) As a practical joke, Republican Senators are still ordering 20 Dominos pizzas to Ted Kennedy's house every night... and he keeps eating all of them!

1) The only issue they still all agree on is giving themselves another pay raise

911 Calls
An 86-year-old North Carolina woman has been jailed after calling 911 several times to complain that her local pizza parlor wouldn't deliver. Of course, everyone knows you shouldn't call 911 to complain about a fast food place unless you find a finger in your meal.

PBS Defense
Defending her network from attacks that it's too liberal, PBS president Pat Mitchell says "PBS does not belong to any American political party." Of course, that's only because America has no socialist party.

Original Americans
Scientists now believe North America was first populated by a tribe of as few as 70 people who first came here about 10,000 years ago. It's believed they were able to survive where so many others failed by working harder, hunting smarter, and not messing with Social Security.

More Millionaires
The good news is the number of American millionaires has now hit an all-time high of seven and half million people. The bad news is most of them own gas stations.

Officer Shaq
Shaquille O'Neal says that after he retires, he wants to become a police officer tracking down dangerous criminals. Of course he could practice now by arresting everyone on the Portland Trailblazers.

Officer Shaq II
Shaquille O'Neal says that after he retires from the NBA, he wants to become an undercover police officer... not because he likes clandestine work, it's just that no police department has uniforms in his size.


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