Deep Throat ID'd
Former FBI official Mark Felt now admits he was the infamous "Deep Throat" who leaked the information that led to the Watergate scandal. Experts are crediting Felt with exposing a serious political scandal, bringing down the Nixon White House, and making it acceptable to say "Deep Throat" in public.

Deep Throat ID'd II
The Watergate Scandal was unique because it took years to unravel, brought down a President, and it was the last time the American news media actually did any investigative reporting.

Top 5 Changes Now that We Know the Identity of Deep Throat

5) No longer any reason to respect Diane Sawyer

4) G. Gordon Liddy can finally beat up the right guy

3) Closet porn fans no longer have the "I'm just looking for clues" excuse to rent "Deep Throat"

2) All cable news political reporters can now be reassigned to more "runaway bride" and "crane man" stories

1) A certain 91-year old guy can finally stop worrying about paying for Viagra!

Iraqi Sentiment
Iraq's new president says most Iraqis now want Saddam Hussein to be executed. Not because of his crimes, but because no one wants to see anymore pictures of him in his underwear.

Russian Oil Tycoon Convicted
In a trial most experts agree was politically motivated, Russian Oil Tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky has been convicted of fraud and sentenced to 9 years in prison. The trial highlights the fundamental differences between the Russian and American judicial systems: In Russia, the ruling government can ignore a person's right to a fair trial... and in America, oil tycoons don't go to prison.

Russian Oil Tycoon Convicted II
In a trial most experts agree was politically motivated, Russian Oil Tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky has been convicted of fraud and sentenced to 9 years in prison. Most Americans are having a tough time understanding the conviction, because U.S. oil tycoons who commit fraud in U.S. usually become President.

Paris Engaged
Paris Hilton is now engaged to her boyfriend Paris Latsis. Hilton feels most comfortable with Latsis because it doesn't seem awkward when she's having sex with him and she calls out her own name.

Cheney Offended
Vice President Dick Cheney says he's "offended" by Amnesty International's claims that the U.S. is guilty of human rights abuses at Guantanamo Bay. Wait a minute, is it actually possible to offend Dick Cheney?