Top 5 Things to Expect if Michael Jackson is Convicted

5) Massive rioting at Disneyland

4) Looting at Toys "R" Us stores nationwide

3) 10,000 plastic surgeons instantly unemployed

2) Menudo finds it safe to tour in the U.S. again

1) All the cable news networks will move on to cover the really important stories... just kidding!!

Citibank Data
Citibank has announced that personal information on 4 million of its customers has been lost. The bank says it’s doing its absolute best to safeguard the data… but if that were true, how come they never lose anyone’s bills?

No Medical Pot
In a 6-3 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled against legalizing medical marijuana, with Justices O'Connor and Rehnquist dissenting because they are suffering many of the illnesses eased by marijuana use. And Justice Thomas dissented because he finds his female employees don’t get so upset about being harassed when they’re stoned.

No Medical Pot II
The Supreme Court ruled that allowing medical marijuana use would undermine the government’s overall anti-drug campaign. That’s funny; I thought that program was undermined by the fact that it's an utter and complete failure.

80-Year Old Madam
Cops in New Jersey have arrested an 80-year-old woman who was supplementing her retirement income by running a prostitution ring. This is the kind of private investment we can expect if President Bush makes those changes to Social Security.

Saddam Charges
As Iraq prepares to put Saddam Hussein on trial, prosecutors announced the former dictator now faces 12 counts of crimes against humanity. They include genocide, torture, and allowing himself to be photographed in his “tightie whities.”

Assad Blasts the Media
Syrian President Bashir Assad says the news media and the Internet are destroying the Arab culture because “young people exposed to their messages simply absorb everything they see without thinking." What’s ironic about that statement is Assad actually stole that line verbatim from the Republican Party Web site.

No Stadium
New York State Assembly leaders have nixed support for a new West Side stadium in Manhattan, meaning there’s no chance the city will get the Olympic games. But New Yorkers who really want to see foreigners competing in Manhattan can still watch all the cab drivers racing up the West Side Highway anytime they want.

Terror Prof
Opening arguments have begun in the trial of former University of South Florida professor Sami Al-Arian, who is accused of supporting Muslim terrorists. But Al-Arian was really fired for scheduling a midterm on the Friday afternoon right before spring break