Thursday, June 02, 2005

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Paul’s Book
Former Beatle Paul McCartney is writing a children's book called "High in the Clouds." Of course, that's also the title of his autobiography.

Spelling Bee Winner
13-year old Anurag Kashyap of California won the National Spelling Bee yesterday. The boy became a natural champion as soon as he learned how to spell his own name.

Jackson Defense
In their closing statements yesterday, Michael Jackson’s attorneys said their client was victimized by people who knew he was naïve. But it’s not clear if they were talking about Jackson’s accusers or his plastic surgeons.

Top 5 things Overheard in the Jackson Case Jury Room

5) “If we convict, do we send him to the men’s or women’s prison?”

4) “You know, that Jay Leno’s testimony wasn’t very funny”

3) "Do you think he’s wearing a wig?”

2) “This is so much harder than choosing an American Idol”

1) “I liked him better when he was wearing those cute pajamas”

Runaway Bride Sentence
For making false statements to police, a judge sentenced runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks yesterday to two years probation, 120 hours of community service, and she must stay at least 500 yards away from all Atlanta-area bridal shops for the next 5 years.

Cox Nominated
President Bush has named long-time corporate advocate Congressman Christopher Cox as his nominee to lead the SEC. Finally, someone in the Bush administration who will stand up for big business!

Cox Nominated II
President Bush says Cox is the best person to ensure fairness for both companies and their shareholders. Actually, Bush thinks Ken Lay is the best person, but he’s a little too busy right now.

Malpractice Study
Contrary to popular belief, a new study shows that malpractice suits aren’t actually driving up insurance rates for doctors. They are however, driving up fees for lawyers.

Wachovia Slavery
Wachovia Bank is formally apologizing for using its many businesses to promote slavery in the 18th century. These days, Wachovia only promotes slavery by issuing credit cards.

New Ford Boycott
A conservative Christian group is now boycotting the Ford Motor Co. for “promoting the homosexual agenda.” But how making gas-guzzling cars that die after 5 years helps gay people is anyone’s guess.

George Mikan Dead
Early-NBA star George Mikan died yesterday at the age of 80. The 6-10 Mikan was the first league MVP, the first pro to score 10,000 points, and the last NBA all-star never named in a paternity suit.


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