Thursday, June 09, 2005

Perry Bill Signing
Critics are attacking Texas Governor Rick Perry's decision to sign a new abortion bill into law at a Christian school. Usually, Texas politicians make all their most important political moves in lobbyists' hotel rooms.

DeLay Fundraiser
House Majority Leader Tom DeLay held a special "wine and cigars" campaign fundraiser last night in Washington. DeLay decided to feature the two things he'll have trouble getting in prison.

Top 5 Reasons to Shut Down Guantanamo Bay Prison

5) Would be less expensive to outsource the prison to China or India

4) Only torture tool guards haven’t used is showing prisoners episodes of Jerry Hall reality show

3) Being locked up at Gitmo still not as bad a living free in Afghanistan

2) Trust me, because I learned this the hard way… you don’t want to make Jimmy Carter mad

1) The plumbing bill is getting out of control!

Sex Huts
In preparation for next year's World Cup soccer tournament, a German town is setting up small buildings where prostitutes can do business. Of course, the U.S. already has a building where our prostitutes conduct business; it's called the House of Representatives.

Tobacco Bargain
The Justice Department is scaling back its demand that U.S. tobacco companies pay $130 billion to fund anti-smoking efforts, and is now only asking for $10 billion. The policy change came when the politicians realized every dollar they save the tobacco industry comes right back to them in campaign donations.

Doctored Reports
A White House aide has been caught doctoring government environmental reports in order to downplay evidence of global warming. The aide has been transferred to the White House office in charge of WMD evidence and President Bush's National Guard records.

GM-Wall Street Reaction
Ever since GM announced its plan to lay off 25,000 workers, its stock has been soaring. If there's one thing Wall Street loves, it’s not having to share the profits with the people who actually do the work.

GM-White House Reaction
The White House is voicing no objections to GM’s decision to lay off 25,000 American workers. If a few more big corporations would just follow GM’s example, it wouldn’t be so hard for army recruiters to convince people to go to Iraq.

G-Rated Gold
A new study shows the average G-rated movie makes more money than the average R-rated movie. The news has convinced Disney to scrap the hot nude scene in “Pocahontas II.”

OTB for the Ladies
New York’s Off-Track Betting parlors are starting a new campaign to attract female bettors. One new ad tells women that at OTB they’re sure to find the unemployed, chain-smoking, child-support-owing men of their dreams.

Body Parts Found
Body parts from an apparent stowaway fell out of the wheel well of an Air South Africa jet this week and fell onto a house in Queens, New York. Investigators actually believe it wasn’t a stowaway, but a passenger who fled the seating area when he heard the in-flight movie was “Monster In Law.”


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