Gitmo Torture
A log book obtained by Time Magazine details the torture methods used on one inmate in Guantanamo Bay prison, which included making him see pictures of naked women, and forcing him to listen to Christina Aguilera music. You know, the same thing happens to me every time I watch MTV.

Gitmo Torture II
Bush administration defenders are repeatedly pointing to the plentiful amount of good food fed to the prisoners as proof that there are no human rights violations at Guanatanamo Bay. Of course, they fail to tell you that all the meals are prepared by the same guy who peed on the Koran.

Spousal Abuse Down
The Justice Department says cases of spousal abuse are down significantly over the past decade. Experts attribute the decline to better police training, awareness programs, and the fact that O.J. Simpson hasn't remarried.

Tyson KO'D
Mike Tyson suffered a stunning technical knock-out loss this weekend to journeyman fighter Kevin McBride. The once-feared Tyson is so weak now that even Robin Givens wants a rematch.

Pink Floyd Reunion
The original members of Pink Floyd will reunite for the first time in 24 years to perform at the "Live 8" concert for the world's poorest nations. Experts believe the band's performance will help stamp out poverty and replace it with severe depression.

Cornell President Quits
Cornell University President Jeffrey Lehman has announced his resignation just two years into his tenure. Insiders say the split grew out of major differences he had with the board over the most vital aspects of a university presidency: Lehman wanted to give all alumni donors just a Cornell mug, while the trustees were pushing for the mug AND the tote bag.

Top 5 Theological Questions at Billy Graham's 3-Day Outdoor Revival Meeting in Queens, New York

5) "Jesus saves... so why can't the Mets bullpen?"

4) "Waiting for the Second Coming, or waiting for your flight at La Guardia -- which takes longer?"

3) "Oh Lord, what is up Sheldon Silver's ass?"

2) "Should we ever say mean things about Jews when so many people could be secretly recording us?"

1) "Why are we doing this in Queens?"