Rigas Sentence
For stealing from the cable TV company he founded, a federal judge has ordered former Adelphia communications chairman John Rigas to spend 15 years in prison… which is still less time than you usually have to wait for the Adelphia cable TV repairman to show up.

Bolton Vote Delayed
Senate Democrats have once again succeeded in delaying the vote on whether to confirm John Bolton as ambassador to the UN. Bolton is responding by buying 44 new staplers to throw at each and every Democratic senator.

Top 5 Things John Bolton Must do to Get Confirmed as the Ambassador to the UN

5) Keep 500 yards away from all staplers and other potentially dangerous office equipment at all times

4) Start using that “Just for Men” for mustaches and beards

3) Replace all the UN translator headphones with iPods

2) Promise to only use his massive temper on the French

1) Hire a real interpreter who looks like Nicole Kidman

Medical Pot-Canada
A marijuana-based painkiller went on sale this week in Canada. Doctors hope the medication will successfully ease the pain of living in Canada.

Male Contraceptive
Researchers are working on a new oral contraceptive for men. The most successful trial so far has come from a pill that releases the same reactions in the male brain that occurs when his girlfriend says “let’s just cuddle.”

Cruise Showered
A phony reporter doused Tom Cruise with water during an interview in England yesterday. The incident infuriated Cruise as it almost snapped him out of recent hypnosis-induced insanity.

Spielberg on Cruise
Steven Spielberg says Tom Cruise is being “punished” by the American news media for his recent happiness and euphoric behavior… but not as much as the news media is punishing Americans with stories about Tom Cruise.

Comp Sci Majors-Jobs
More and more computer science majors at U.S. colleges are opting not to take programming jobs after they graduate. Not because they don't want to work in the computer industry, it's just that they want to spend a few more years in America before having to move back to India.

“Mississippi Burning” Case
The jury in the “Mississippi Burning” civil rights murder trial is now deliberating on the case. Legal experts say the panel is likely to find defendant Edgar Ray Killen guilty of murder and obstruction of justice, and they’re also likely to convict Willem Dafoe of overacting.