Kozlowski Konvicted
Ex-Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski was found guilty of 22 counts of theft and fraud late Friday. Neiman-Marcus is reacting to the news by putting a $6,000 soap-on-a-rope in its new catalogue.

Top 5 Things Dennis Kozlowski Bought this Weekend

5) $10,000 “home-made knife set"

4) $45,000 tub of moisturizer for "handcuff chafing"

3) $55,000 tub of moisturizer for "other kinds of chafing"

2) $65,000 worth of deodorant so he can avoid the showers for as long as possible

1) $35,000 worth of accounting books so he doesn't forget how to steal money while he's in prison

Massive Card Fraud
As many as 40 million American credit card holders may have had their personal information compromised by a computer virus. The credit card companies say they have no idea who could have been malicious enough to take advantage of so many financially vulnerable Americans... but they like their style.

Spitzer Sued
The Bush administration has joined several banks in their lawsuit against New York State Attorney General Eliot Spitzer. The White House says its concerned the banks will be so busy covering up their crimes from Spitzer, that they might forget to make all their promised campaign contributions on time.

Iran Emergency Landing
An emergency indicator light forced a Northwest Airlines passenger jet to land in Tehran yesterday, but it turned out to be a false alarm. The news is a crushing blow to the Bush administration, because it was planning on using the whole "broken emergency indicator light" thing as an excuse to invade Iran next year.

Grand Prix Boycott
14 of the 20 drivers in Sunday's U.S. Grand Prix ended up boycotting the race at the last minute because they were concerned about tire safety. Actually, that was reason 13 drivers boycotted, the other driver quit because he didn't want to get a speeding ticket.

Gaza Agreement
Israel and the Palestinian Authority have agreed to tear down all of the abandoned Jewish settlers’ homes after the Israelis pull out of the Gaza strip this year. Hey, as long as they're destroying stuff, Jews and Arabs really CAN work together!

Gaza Agreement II
In a rare sign of cooperation in the Middle East, Israel and the Palestinian Authority have agreed to tear down all the abandoned Jewish settler homes after the Israelis pull out of the Gaza strip this year. The Palestinians are especially enthusiastic about razing the homes, but that’s because no one’s actually telling them about the whole "abandoned" part.