Thursday, June 16, 2005

Schiavo Autopsy
Doctors examining Terri Schiavo’s body say there was no evidence she was abused. Apparently, none of those doctors watched how her story was covered on the cable news channels.

Schiavo Autopsy II
Doctors determined that Schiavo’s brain was half the size of a normal brain. This explains why President Bush assumed she was one of his supporters.

Schiavo Autopsy/Frist
Some believe the Schiavo autopsy is an embarrassing blow to Senator Bill Frist, who declared on the Senate floor that as a doctor, he could tell Schiavo was responding to stimuli. But experts say his presidential chances have actually improved now that millions of Americans will probably vote for Frist just to keep him from practicing medicine again.

Top 5 Features in the Proposed $800 Million New Yankee Stadium
5) George Steinbrenner rubberized "tantrum room"

4) Jason Giambi clean needle exchange window

3) Alex Rodriguez psychotherapy lounge

2) “Curse-Word Free” Bleacher Section… just kidding!

1) On-site second-mortgage lenders so you can afford hot dogs and soda for the whole family

Vaccine Shortage
The company that makes the flu vaccine is blaming new U.S. government restrictions for another expected vaccine shortage this coming winter. The Bush administration apologized for the new rules, but said it had to do something to reduce the number of elderly Americans fighting the President’s Social Security plan.

Jackson Accuser Down
Michael Jackson’s teenage accuser is reportedly depressed and withdrawn. Not because Jackson was acquitted, but because his mother is still making him pretend he’s a fan of Jay Leno.

Back to the Oil Company
The former White House official who doctored global warming documents to make them look more favorable to the oil industry has gone back to work for ExxonMobil. But the Bush administration is hoping to recover from that loss by hiring the guy who cleans windshields at the Amoco station to run the Environmental Protection Agency.

Limbaugh’s Claim
Rush Limbaugh says he’s bigger than the network TV news programs. Which makes sense, because network news programs depend on sponsorship from the prescription drug companies, and the prescription drug companies depend on sponsorship from Rush Limbaugh.

UN Dues
The Bush administration is opposing a move by House Republicans to cut the dues the U.S. pays to the United Nations. The White House says the UN is going to need the extra money to pay for all the office equipment John Bolton is sure to break in angry outbursts when he becomes the U.S. ambassador.

NYC Heat Wave
As New York wilts under a heat wave, many schoolchildren are stuck in aging schools without air-conditioning. The students are complaining that all that sweating makes it a lot harder to stab each other.

Hamptons Lawsuit
The Shinnecock Indian tribe is suing New York State, demanding their ancestral lands in the Hamptons be returned to them. The state is considering handing over the property, if the tribe will also accept responsibility for Martha Stewart and Lizzie Grubman.


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