Friday, June 17, 2005

King Tut Returns
Some Americans believe the return of the King Tut exhibit to the U.S. will bring an ancient curse along with it. But unless that curse includes something about $35 mummy t-shirts and tacky coffee table books, there isn't any reason to be worried.

Klansman Kollapses
Former Ku Klux Klan member Edgar Ray Killen collapsed yesterday during his trial for the murders of three civil rights workers in 1964. Killen wasn't actually ill, he just wanted to get to the hospital to stock up on clean white sheets.

Runaway Bride Deal
Runaway Bride Jennifer Wilbanks has agreed to tell her full story in a $500,000 book and movie deal with Judith Regan's entertainment company. Regan is banking on making big bucks by marketing the story to audiences who like the sound of car alarms and watching re-runs of "Mama's Family."

Patriot Act-Libraries
Despite White House objections, the House of Representatives voted to remove a part of the Patriot Act that allowed investigators free access to library records. But experts say this is actually good news for the Bush administration, because now no one will find out that only book the President ever checks out is "Where's Waldo?"

California Quake
Southern California was hit by a magnitude 5.3 earthquake yesterday. But it was later downgraded to 4.9 after Bush administration geologists doctored the records to make it look less damaging.

Cooney to Exxon
Philip Cooney, the Bush administration aide who doctored scientific reports to downplay evidence of global warming, has already taken a new job at ExxonMobil. Cooney likes the new position, but he's disappointed that his Exxon co-workers aren't as favorable to the oil industry as his colleagues in the White House.

Tobacco Case Pressure
The New York Times has learned that a Bush-appointed associate attorney general ordered federal prosecutors to drastically reduce penalties they sought against the tobacco companies. Instead of Deep Throat, the Times is calling the informant in this story "Throat Cancer."

Top 10 Future Bush Administration Appointees

10) Secretary of the Treasury: Ken Lay

9) Director of the Office of Child Welfare: Michael Jackson

8) Director of the National Abstinence Program: Colin Farrell

7) Secretary of Transportation: Billy Joel

6) DEA Director: Robert Downey Jr.

5) Secretary of Education: Paris Hilton

4) Secretary of Health and Human Services: Joe Camel

3) Secretary of Housing & Urban Development: Martha Stewart

2) Department of Veterans Affairs: Bill Clinton

1) Department of Justice: Scott Peterson

Frist on Schiavo
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who "diagnosed" the brain-dead Terri Schiavo as having cognitive function as recently as this March, now says Schiavo's autopsy is "bringing this sad chapter to a close." But it's unclear if Frist is talking about Schiavo or his presidential candidacy.

Iran Election Panned
President Bush says Iran's upcoming elections show no signs of being legitimate or pushing democracy forward. The President is particularly critical of the fact that the Iranians aren't destroying opposition voter registration records or allowing a right wing organization to rig the election with electronic balloting.

Bush-Congress Poll
President Bush now has the lowest approval ratings of his tenure, and the Republican-controlled Congress has its lowest approval numbers in many years. Luckily for the American people, Democrats are snapping into action by raising more money for Hillary Clinton and allowing Howard Dean to make more angry speeches.


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