Bush Speech
President Bush addressed the nation last night saying it "was time to give Americans a clear strategy for our presence in Iraq." Um, shouldn't we have had that before we invaded?

Bush Speech II
President Bush insisted that our mission in Iraq is very difficult, but we must stay the course. Besides, there’s no way it’s tougher than trying change Social Security.

Bush Speech III
President Bush rejected calls that the U.S. send more troops to help put down the insurgency in Iraq; reminding everyone that with his approval ratings at an all-time low, he needs more soldiers here to defend the White House.

Bush Speech IV
President Bush summed up our strategy in Iraq by saying, “as the Iraqis stand up, we will stand down.” Which means we’ll be in Iraq for at least another 317 years.

Bush Speech V
Finally, President Bush insisted that our efforts in Iraq are “worth it”… especially since as long as we’re there, Republicans can always accuse their critics of jeopardizing the war effort.

Top 5 Things that Have to Happen Before We Leave Iraq

5) Baghdad car insurance rates fall below $15,000 a month

4) Halliburton exceeds quarterly profit projections by 50%

3) Pentagon gets reasonable assurance that insurgents are in no way connected to the shark attacks in Florida

2) Bush administration declares war on someone else

1) We elect a president with a brain

Pakistan Internet
A broken cable has left the entire nation of Pakistan without Internet or wire services. The good news is there’s finally a place on Earth where you won’t have to hear anymore about Tom Cruise.

Battle Re-Enacted
English and French tall ships staged a re-enactment of the Battle of Trafalgar last night to mark the 200th anniversary of the historic clash. What made the skirmish so historic was the fact that it was the last time the French put up a decent fight.

Bogut #1
Andrew Bogut, the 7-footer chosen as the first overall pick in the NBA draft last night, insists he’s not a “big, dumb guy.” True, the person who’s about to pay him $50 million is the big, dumb guy.

Chinese Bishop
The newly appointed Roman Catholic Bishop of Shanghai is hoping to mend relations between China and the Vatican. His best chance of doing that is offering Rome low-cost, mass-produced cassocks and chalices.

Siegfried & Roy Mystery
USDA investigators say they still can’t figure out why illusionist Roy Horn was mauled by a tiger during a show two years ago… not because the tiger was trained, but because they’re pretty sure Siegfried is the only one who thinks Roy tastes any good.