Friday, July 01, 2005

WEB ALERT!! I have a new piece spoofing the Matt Lauer/Tom Cruise interview on the Enduring Vision Web Site. Here's the link: EnduringVision

Time Complies
Time Magazine has decided to finally obey a court order and turn over notes regarding the leak of a CIA operative's name. Time says it must comply with the Supreme Court’s ruling, and it also wants to get back to focusing on stories about shark attacks and missing teens in Aruba.

Presidential Hostage-Taker
Five of the former U.S. hostages in Iran say the newly elected president of that country was one of the students who held them captive from 1979 to 1981. The former hostages say they're not exactly surprised to see a former captor again; it's just that they assumed it would be at their local 7-11.

Hitman to Return
46-year-old former boxing champ Thomas "Hitman" Hearns says he's getting back into the ring because he feels "a lot of fire down inside." Unfortunately for Hearns, boxing isn't the cure for gonorrhea.

Rogers Goes Berserk
Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers inexplicably beat up a TV cameraman yesterday. Rogers faces a long suspension, because the only Major League pitcher who has a good reason for attacking someone just for putting his face on camera is Randy Johnson.

Top 5 Things to Avoid this July 4th Weekend

5) Letting Tom Cruise see you go into a drug store

4) Saying anything that may upset Kenny Rogers or Gary Sheffield

3) Telling a secret to anyone at Time Magazine

2) Lending Russell Crowe your cell phone

1) Those Army recruiters from downtown who say they "just want to see what your signature looks like"

Jacko on Vacation
Michael Jackson is now on vacation at a prince's palace in the tiny Gulf kingdom of Bahrain. The palace is actually just like the Neverland Ranch; no women allowed.

Ben and Jen Wed
Ending months of speculation, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have announced that they were married earlier this week and that Garner is 5 months pregnant. The couple says they waited a while to get married to strengthen their love, reduce media speculation, and confirm that the baby really is Ben's.


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