War of the Worlds Opens
The new sci-fi movie "War of the Worlds" was a huge hit at the box office yesterday as millions of Americans flocked to theaters hoping to see the aliens kill Tom Cruise.

Cinderella Man Guarantee
In hopes of boosting interest in the Russell Crowe-Rene Zellweger movie "Cinderella Man," AMC movie theaters are offering a money-back guarantee to moviegoers who aren't pleased with the film. But after you get your money back, Crowe will try to beat you with a telephone.

New Freedom Tower Design
Authorities say some recent changes to the planned Freedom Tower will make it safer from terrorist attack. The most effective new safety feature in the building is the fact that no one will ever be let inside.

Top 5 Jobs for the new Department of National Intelligence

5) Tell Americans where to find a service station selling gas for less than $2.25 a gallon

4) End the animosity between the CIA and the FBI by making them each other’s "Secret Santa!"

3) Help Americans figure out the last three seasons of "Alias"

2) Find out what the Hell is wrong with Tom Cruise

1) Give President Bush a clue

Recruiting Goals Met
For the first time since January, the Army met its monthly recruiting goal in June, as thousands of young Americans resolved to do whatever it takes to protect their country from Russell Crowe.

Super Bowl Ring Not Stolen
New England Patriots Robert Kraft owner says Russian President Vladimir Putin did not steal his Super Bowl ring, and he gave it to him out of personal respect. Upon hearing the news, every member of the New York Jets showed up at Kraft's house disguised as Vladimir Putin.

Stella's Lost Groove
It turns out the younger man who inspired author Terry McMillan's book, "How Stella Got Her Groove Back," is gay. Of course, it was obvious to everyone else that he was gay when he was first seen reading a copy of "How Stella Got Her Groove Back."