Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Bush-Live 8
White House insiders say the Live 8 concerts didn't exactly convince President Bush to do more for the people of Africa. But that's because when he saw Pink Floyd, The Who, and Paul McCartney performing, he just assumed it was another senior citizen protest against his Social Security plan.

Chirac Gaffe
As the G8 summit begins, French President Jacques Chirac's comment that British food is the worst in Europe has set off a huge firestorm of controversy... so just imagine how bad it would be if he had said something that wasn't true!

Top 5 Things Overheard at the G8 Summit

5) "Jacques, you can't have dessert until you finish your haggis!"

4) "Those protesters get freakier looking every year"

3) "Wait, the Live 8 concerts were to help Africa? Sorry, I was too busy staring at Mariah Carey's ass."

2) "We're not leaving this conference before we agree to reduce greenhouse gases... or forge some scientific studies that say we don't have to, whichever is easier."

1) "I now declare the class war over... the rich won!"

G8 Begins
The G8 summit begins today at a golf resort in Scotland. The world's leaders like meeting at golf resorts, because it helps occupy President Bush while the grown-ups try to get some work done.

Top 5 Bush Administration Anti-Poverty Measures for Africa

5) Free Fox News subscriptions for all needy children

4) Replacing free condoms with free copies of the Gideon Bible

3) Provide the hungry with all the British food Jacques Chirac doesn't eat

2) Special prizes for all Africans who say they've "witnessed" Iranians mining for uranium in their village

1) 5 cents off every gallon of premium unleaded at every African Exxon on Wacky Wednesdays!

G8 Agendas
Each world leader at the G8 summit in Scotland is hoping to get some questions answered. Tony Blair is asking his colleagues to commit to reducing greenhouse gases, Jacques Chirac is wondering if there will be changes to the EU budget, and President Bush wants to know if all the Scottish guys in kilts are some kind of endorsement for gay marriage.

Bush Choices
President Bush has narrowed down his choices to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. The finalists are Alberto Gonzalez, Edith Jones and the ventriloquist dummy Antonin Scalia's been working with for the last two months.

Cindy on its Way
As Tropical Storm Cindy heads for the Gulf Coast, homeowners are boarding up windows, boaters are clearing the waters, and all the FOX News reporters are trying to interview the killer sharks before the weather gets really bad.


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