Dennis Response
In response to Hurricane Dennis, Florida Governor Jeb Bush has declared a state of emergency… not because of the high winds and rain, but because he wants investigators to check whether the storm had anything to do with the death of Terri Schiavo.

Dennis Weakens
As soon as it made landfall near Pensacola, Hurricane Dennis began to weaken and die out. The same thing happens to most retirees the second they hit Florida too.

Top 5 Things to Do if You’re in the Path of a Hurricane in Florida

5) Board up your windows, garage your cars, and do something about that fragile comb-over!

4) Blame the liberals for the storm, and the Fox News reporters are sure to come rescue you before prime time.

3) Run to the home of the nearest Miami Dolphins fan; they really know how to cope with disaster.

2) Hide behind that fat monk who kept trying to save Terri Schiavo.

1) Move somewhere with a better-equipped and helpful government… like Cuba.

Baby Panda Okay
Giant panda Mei Xiang’s new cub has survived its critical first day of life at the National Zoo in Washington. The baby bear has fended off challenges like malnutrition, heat exhaustion, and Congressional Republicans trying to eliminate its free lunch program.

Looper on the Block?
The Mets are reportedly considering trading their closer, Braden Looper. If they’re lucky, they’ll get two sanitary socks and a used jock strap for him.

Looper on the Block II?
The Mets are reportedly considering trading their closer, Braden Looper. Of course, the only people interested in Looper now are the guys who make Alka Seltzer.