Shuttle Launch
Today's launch of the Space Shuttle Discovery is expected to cost billions of dollars... and that's just for the gas.

Top 5 Children’s Books Recommended by Laura Bush

5) Where the WMD’s Are

4) See Dick Really Run the Country

3) The Very Hungry Lobbyist

2) Heather’s Two Mommies are Very, Very Bad

1) Not Very Curious George

Bush Nomination Talks
President Bush talked with leading Senators yesterday about the process for replacing Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, but he didn't give them any names… Karl Rove is the only one at the White House who gives out names.

Top 5 Things Overheard During President Bush's Meeting with U.S. Senators on the Supreme Court Nomination Process

5) "Can we get a hotter chick this time?"

4) "Look, I need to make a decision soon so the Swift Boat guys can start producing a slimy commercial"

3) "Let's get that 'Survivor' producer to turn this whole process into a reality show!"

2) "Senator Schumer... let me introduce you to my little friend!"

1) "Let's at least agree to drag this out as long as we can so no one notices what a
crappy job we're doing running the country!"

Albert Installed
Monaco's Prince Albert was formally installed as the ruler of Monaco yesterday. During a solemn Catholic mass marking the event, the Archbishop asked God to protect Albert from sickness, death, and any more paternity suits.

Top 5 Goals for Prince Albert's Administration

5) Better math education in Monaco's schools, so children can bet smarter in the casinos

4) Free health care for illegitimate children who keep their mouths shut

3) Sponsoring the world's first professional bobsledding league

2) Saving social security for Monaco's two non-billionaires

1) Putting Rogaine into the municipal water supply

Big Butt Stabber
The Brooklyn woman who stabbed her husband to death after he complained her butt was too big is off the hook. The judge in the case says he just didn’t want to look at all the evidence.

Underachieving Yankees
Despite a $200 million payroll, the New York Yankees begin the second half of the season in 3rd place. The only people paid more to do less are all in Congress.

Long Flight
American Airlines will soon begin regular service on its longest nonstop flight from Chicago to Delhi, India. American says the 14 ½ hour flights are critical to its financial survival, because after all the passengers fall asleep, the flight attendants will steal everyone’s wallets.