Top 5 Worst Places to Live in America

5) Neverland Ranch child guest room

4) Anywhere within earshot of Tom Cruise

3) Next door to Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers on the day you try out your new digital camera

2) In between Rosie O’Donnell and the Cheeto factory

1) Any place in Florida

Bush Problems
President Bush is having trouble coming up with a replacement for Sandra Day O’Connor on the Supreme Court while he’s being distracted by the chance that Karl Rove could go to jail for leaking a CIA’s agent name to the press. So the President is going to solve both problems at once by nominating Rove!

NASA Scrubs Launch
NASA scrubbed yesterday’s launch of the Shuttle Discovery because of a faulty fuel tank… which is the nice way of saying they have to wait until gas prices go down.

Ebbers Sentenced
A judge sentenced former WorldCom CEO Bernie Ebbers to 25 years in jail yesterday, saying the $11 billion fraud at the company demanded a severe punishment. Had the fraud been any bigger, the judge would have had to sentence Ebbers to serve at the Pentagon.

Ebbers Sentenced II
A judge sentenced former WorldCom CEO Bernie Ebbers to 25 years in jail yesterday. During his time in prison it’s assumed someone will finally get a chance to screw someone FROM the phone company!

NHL Lockout Over
The NHL owners and players union have finally agreed on a new deal to end their 301-day team lockout. However, the league’s ticket prices are expected to lockout most hockey fans for another several years.

Bastille Day
This is Bastille Day, the French holiday marking the storming of the infamous Paris prison. It was the last time a large group of French people attacked something that wasn't American.

Government Waste
The House aviation subcommittee alleges that several employees of the Transportation Safety Administration are doing “useless jobs” despite getting salaries that pay more than $100,000 annually. In fact, the only government employees performing a more useless job for that kind of money are the members of the House aviation subcommittee.

Soft Drink Warnings
A consumer group is calling for health warnings on soft drink cans. They want labels that tell consumers that soda can lead to diabetes, tooth decay, and excessive belching.