Schwarzenegger-Fitness Mags
Critics say the fact that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is being paid $1 million a year by several fitness magazines constitutes a conflict of interest for the Governor. Of course, the fact that Schwarzenegger is still the Governor conflicts with the interests of everyone who lives in California.

Rehnquist Released
After falling ill with a high fever, Chief Justice William Rehnquist finally recovered yesterday. Rehnquist was released from the hospital in return for another elderly supreme court justice and two lower court judges to be named later.

NASA Launch Date
After scrubbing Wednesday’s shuttle Discovery launch, NASA is hesitating to announce a new launch date. But if reporters really want to know, they can just call Karl Rove.

NASA Launch Date II
A NASA spokesman says the shuttle Discovery could launch as soon as this Sunday… of course that’s coming from the same guy who says the Bush administration reduced the deficit last year.

Phony Athlete
A Zimbabwean court has thrown a man in jail who has been masquerading as a female athlete and competing in track and field events. This isn’t such a bad punishment for the man, since real women athletes in Africa get stoned to death.

Chertoff to NY: “Drop Dead!”
Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff says protecting mass transit is a local problem that can’t be handled by the Bush administration. Chertoff cited the costs, logistical questions, and the fact that people only ride buses and subways in the blue states.

Better Elementary Test Scores
The nation's 9-year-olds are doing better in reading and math tests, and especially in geography. That’s because all the smart kids know that the only way they’ll get a job when they grow up is to move to China.

Big Water Bill
An Illinois woman got the shock of her life this week when her water company accidentally sent her a monthly water bill that topped $74,000. Of course, that was actually her electric bill.

Top 5 Lesser-Known Emmy Categories

5) “Best Made-for-TV Movie About a Battered Woman on Lifetime”

4) “Best New Reality Show Featuring a Surviving Cast Member from
Diff’rent Strokes”

3) “Best Poker Show on TV in Primetime”

2) “Best Poker Show on TV in Daytime”

1) “Best Sit-Com Already Canceled by FOX”

Bush on Blacks
President Bush told a crowd of African-Americans in Indiana yesterday that his administration's tax policies are making things better for blacks. By that he meant that the rich white people who are actually getting all the tax breaks are tipping their servants more.

Study on Studies
A new study says many of the studies reported in the news aren't accurate and aren’t checked by the media outlets anyway… That doesn’t exactly sound right, but I’m too busy to find out for sure.