Thursday, July 21, 2005

Democrats Respond
Democrats are hard at work on their official statement on President Bush's choice of John Roberts for the Supreme Court. The document isn't complete, but the first three words are reportedly, "ready, "aim," and "fire."

Civil Process
President Bush says he's confident the confirmation process for Supreme Court Justice nominee John Roberts "will move forward in a dignified, civil way." And the reason he can be so confident of that is because he cleared Roberts with the Swift Boat Veteran people first.

Thorough Examination
Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont is vowing to consider the Roberts nomination "as thoroughly and carefully as the American people expect and deserve"... which means we'll soon know whether Roberts ever smoked pot or employed an illegal alien as a nanny.

Top 5 Questions Senators Will Ask John Roberts

5) Is your wife a covert CIA operative, and if so, is she as hot as Valerie Plame?

4) Could the court someone use eminent domain to lock up Tom Cruise?

3) How will you help keep Justices Rehnquist and Stevens awake during late afternoon hearings?

2) Are your kids available for a play-date with my grandchildren after this hearing?

1) We know you're against abortion, but could you make an exception for Britney Spears' kid?

Scotty Gone
James Doohan, who played "Scotty" on the Star Trek series, has died at the age of 85. He will be buried in a special tomb along with fellow cast member DeForest "Bones" Kelly and William Shatner's original hair.

College Offer
A Ugandan member of parliament has pledged to pay the university fees for all girls in his district who are still virgins when they finish high school. And for the more promiscuous girls, there's always that scholarship offer from Arizona State.

USC Hacked
A University of Southern California database containing personal information on about 270,000 past applicants has been hacked. But it shouldn't be hard to find the culprits because the only people who would want that kind of information on USC students are the publishers of remedial math and English books.

Dueling Series
ABC's "Brat Camp," a reality series about troubled teens, is getting much better ratings than its other reality series, "The Scholar," which features overachieving youngsters. But NBC is expected to beat them both by featuring the brats beating up the scholars on "Fear Factor."


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