Bush Taps Roberts
President Bush has nominated John Roberts to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. The President surprised pundits who expected him to choose a woman, but he had to go with someone who would feel comfortable helping all the elderly male justices go to the bathroom.

Bush Taps Roberts II
In Roberts, President Bush has chosen a solid anti-abortion nominee for the court. And that’s good, since we’re going to need as many recruits as possible when we're still in Iraq in 20 years.

Bush Timetable
President Bush says he decided to announce his decision last night because he wants to start the confirmation process as soon as possible, give Roberts a chance to wrap up his caseload, and get the news media to completely forget about the White House CIA leak story.

Farrell Sex Video
Colin Farrell is trying to stop a former lover from releasing a private sex video the two made a while back. But critics say Farrell shouldn't fight it, because it's the only decent on-camera performance he's done in years.

Schuler for Congress
Heath Schuler has announced he's running for the House of Representatives from North Carolina. After a lousy NFL career, Schuler is getting into politics in hopes of breaking into the only other profession where people can fail consistently and still get paid big money.

Emily on the Move
Hurricane Emily is gaining strength and poised to hit Texas. But the storm wants to wait until the Supreme Court nomination news is out of the way so it can get full coverage again on CNN.

Justice Department-Tobacco
The Justice Department is trying again to punish the tobacco companies for misleading the public about the dangers of smoking by fining them $280 billion. Of course, $280 billion is about what it costs to buy a carton of cigarettes these days.

NYC Weather
It's been so humid in New York City that everyone’s tattoos are actually running.

San Diego Mayor Convicted
San Diego mayor Michael Zucchet has been convicted of taking bribes from a strip club owner. Zucchet will either be sent to jail, or forced to become the next mayor of Las Vegas.

Rare Gator in Zoo
A rare white alligator is being housed at a South Carolina zoo after police say someone illegally took the animal from state-protected wetlands. Authorities say they'll keep the alligator under lock and key until it agrees to identify its captor before the grand jury.