Bolton Appointed
Even though John Bolton has viciously criticized the United Nations in the past, President Bush has used a recess appointment to make him U.S. Ambassador to the UN. But by going to work everyday to a place that he absolutely hates, Bolton will become just like every other American employee.

Top 5 “Diplomatic” Things John Bolton Will Do as U.S. Ambassador to the UN

5) Tell French ambassador he “really smells”

4) Throw staplers at entire Syrian and Iranian delegations twice daily

3) Ask African delegates to “stop wearing their mother’s tablecloths and put on some real clothes!”

2) Tell Israelis they better start praying to Jesus if they want to keep getting U.S. support

1) Tell Kofi Annan to get his son to steal some food for his lunch

New Saudi King
Saudi Arabia’s King Fahd died Sunday and has been replaced by his half-brother Abdullah. In a solemn ceremony, Abdullah’s head was anointed with 10 gallons of Super Premium unleaded.

Palmeiro Busted
Major League Baseball has suspended Orioles slugger Rafael Palmeiro for testing positive for steroids. Now if Palmeiro wants to use drugs to help him score, he’ll just have to settle for Viagra.

Juvenile Jail Report
A new report shows that sexual assaults occur much more often in juvenile prisons than adult jails. Upon hearing the news, Michael Jackson immediately contacted California prosecutors and offered to change his plea to guilty provided he can be sent to juvenile prison.

GM Shifts
General Motors is discontinuing its “employee discounts for everyone” program and is now just going to cut prices across the board. If this doesn’t work, GM is considering actually making some cars that don’t suck.

Ford & Eminem
Ford has decided not to allow Eminem to use one of its cars in a new music video because of obscene lyrics in the song. In other news, Chrysler is pulling its vehicles from several scenes in “Grand Theft Auto.”

Gore’s Network
“Content,” the new cable network conceived and run by Al Gore, began broadcasting this week. After he leaves the White House President Bush also wants to launch a network that embodies his vision for America, but somebody already started the Cartoon Network.

Crash Death Rate Down
The death rate from car crashes went down for the second straight year in 2004. Fewer people are dying while driving because they’re getting fatal heart attacks when they see the prices at the gas station.