IRA Disarmament
The IRA has officially announced it's giving up its weapons. Now that Muslim suicide bombers are terrorizing Britain, they just can't compete.

Missing Woman
Philadelphia police are desperately searching for a black pregnant woman who's been missing for 10 days... but they're not as desperate as the cable news channels trying to figure out how to cover a story about a missing woman who isn't white.

Moss Wins Case
Supermodel Kate Moss has won her libel case against Britain's Sunday Mirror and is now set to receive a big cash settlement. The Mirror had offered to cater all of Moss' meals for the rest of her life, but the court ruled that would only have a retail value of $12.

Dinosaur Egg Discoveries
Scientists say they’re overwhelmed by the new information on evolution they're getting from studies on a set of 190-million-year-old dinosaur embryos. But school board officials in charge of science textbooks in the red states say they can censor it as fast as it comes in.

Energy Bill
The House has approved a new energy bill that sends billions of dollars in tax breaks and subsidies to energy companies, but does little to reduce high energy prices. It's legislation like this that will help convince people living under dictators that democracy is really the better way to go.

Top 5 Not So Pro-Energy Company Parts of the New Energy Bill

5) Oil companies can keep jacking up the price of gas, but they have to bring back trading stamps

4) Companies cannot attempt to make more fossil fuels by bringing the dinosaurs back to life… and then killing them

3) Gas attendants asked to not laugh so hard when someone pulls into the station with a Hummer

2) Oil lobbyists now have a $500 million dollar-a-week campaign finance limit

1) Coal cannot be classified as a vegetable in school lunches

CAFTA Passes
The Central American Free Trade Act passed the House yesterday by a narrow 217-215 vote. The vote was so close because after they bribed most of Congress earlier in the day to pass the energy bill, many corporate lobbyists didn't have much cash left.

Post-War Depression
A new survey shows that 30% of American soldiers coming back from Iraq are dealing with mental illness. But if they go much longer without being treated, they'll become perfect replacements for the maniacs in the Pentagon who started the war in the first place.

Bush A No-Show
President Bush has canceled a scheduled visit to the Boy Scout Troop's National Jamboree for the second day in a row. But the Scouts shouldn't feel bad; he's kept the guys from the Alabama Air National Guard waiting for 35 years.