Shuttle Problems?
A small piece of debris that hit the Shuttle Discovery shortly after takeoff has NASA experts puzzled. They’re not sure whether the damage is relatively small, or something they’ll have to report to the insurance company and pay the deductible.

Bush Watches Launch
President Bush watched yesterday’s launch of the Shuttle Discovery from a TV in his private dining room next to the Oval Office. So as not to upset him if something went wrong, staffers told him it was a Star Trek re-run.

Top 5 Challenges for the Crew of the Shuttle Discovery

5) Keeping the cable news channels interested enough to keep covering the mission even if another blonde teen goes missing on a beach somewhere

4) Hoping no one finds out they’re really just playing a 12-day “Grand Theft Auto” marathon in space

3) Trying not to get demoralized when President Bush calls to congratulate them on their mission to orbit the Sun

2) Finding a gas station somewhere in the universe selling regular unleaded for less than $2.50 a gallon

1) Seven astronauts, a 12-day mission, one iPod… you do the math

Roberts Memos
Senate Democrats are continuing to demand some of the memos Supreme Court nominee John Roberts wrote while he worked in the White House. It’s not that the Democrats think they’ll find anything scandalous in the documents, they just hope looking at the memos will remind them of what it’s like to be in power.

Eminem Not Quitting
Rapper Eminem is denying reports that he is retiring. He says he’s just taking a break, so he can travel the world, meet many different people, and offend them.

Union-Pacific Birth Control
A federal judge has ordered Union-Pacific to pay for its female employees’ birth control pills since it already compensated male employees for their Viagra. Incidentally, Union-Pacific employees who have sex on their trains are members of the so-called “one-mile-an-hour club.”

TV Guide Changes
TV Guide is getting rid of its TV listings, and will now become another periodical about celebrity lifestyles. So the magazine that once made millions because Americans couldn’t figure out what was on just three channels is now set to make millions because Americans can’t figure out Bobby Brown.

No FSU Suspensions
Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden says he won’t suspend two of his linebackers arrested for assault, saying “there are other ways to punish players besides suspension,” … like making them go to class.