Iraq Pullout
U.S. General George Casey says American troops could begin to pull out of Iraq by next spring. By then our mission to protect the nation's civilians will be completed because all of Iraq's civilians will already be dead.

Top 5 Signs You've Been at Your Job Too Long

5) Every few weeks, the boss walks into your office and says, "you're still here?"

4) You can remember your co-workers' names better than your own kids'.

3) You can remember when the president of the company was just a summer intern.

2) After all the mergers and consolidations, you're the only one who actually knows what the original name of the company was.

1) No one notices anymore when you show up to the office without pants.

Shuttle Damage
NASA says it won't launch any more shuttle missions until it figures out what caused some debris to hit Discovery just after the launch. Gee, if the Bush administration adopted that kind of policy, we'd never get to fight any wars!

Shuttle Damage II
NASA says it's still not too worried by the damage Shuttle Discovery sustained during Tuesday's launch. Outside experts say the damage shouldn't endanger the mission, but it will lower the Shuttle's resale value even on the hot South Florida market.

BTK Divorce
A Kansas court has granted an emergency divorce to the wife of admitted BTK killer Dennis Rader. Mrs. Rader demanded the no-waiting-period divorce, not because her husband was a serial killer for 30 years, but because he never once put the toilet seat down in all that time.

BTK Divorce II
A Kansas court has granted an emergency divorce to the wife of admitted BTK killer Dennis Rader. Becoming a serial killer is not exactly the suggested way to get an uncontested divorce, but it works!

GM Discount Ending
General Motors is discontinuing its "employee discounts for everyone" offer... not because it didn't help sell cars, but because GM really doesn't have anymore real employees.

Marriage Offer for Chelsea
A Kenyan man has offered Bill Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter Chelsea's hand in marriage. But Clinton says he's been staying clear of cows since the Monica Lewinsky scandal.

NHL's Big Comeback
In hopes of luring fans back after a year-long lockout, the NHL is scheduling all 30 of its teams to play on opening night. The teams are okay with the idea, but North America's dentists are asking for emergency backup.

O.J. Stealing Cable
A federal judge has found O.J. Simpson guilty of using an illegal device to steal satellite TV. But O.J. says he's innocent and won't rest until he finds the REAL satellite thieves.

O.J. Stealing Cable II
A federal judge in Florida has found O.J. Simpson guilty of using an illegal device to steal satellite TV. Simpson's lawyers plan an appeal based on their assertion that Mark Fuhrman planted the illegal dishes on O.J.'s house while vacationing in Florida.

French Protectionism
French President Jacques Chirac is calling for measures to defend French companies from foreign takeover. Experts say this is a foolhardy move, not because it will feed into ruinous protectionism, but because it's crazy to think anyone would actually want to buy a French company.