Mets Don’t Get Manny
The Boston Red Sox have decided not to trade slugger Manny Ramirez to the New York Mets after all. Now if the Mets want to get an overpaid big hitter, they’ll have to settle for Russell Crowe.

Missing Boy Found
After an exhaustive search, a Connecticut boy who disappeared at Yankee Stadium Friday night has been found. The only person Yankee employees have looked harder for this season is a decent middle reliever.

Bush Physical
Doctors put President Bush through a complete physical over the weekend at the Bethesda Naval Hospital. Of course, Bush doesn’t mind having the physicals twice a year because Dick Cheney already gives him a rectal exam every day.

Roberts Memos
The White House is continuing to refuse to release the memos Supreme Court nominee John Roberts wrote while he was working for the first President Bush in the early 1990’s. That’s because each of the memos warns President Bush that his idiot son is actually thinking of running for President.

Diddy Prize
Music mogul P. Diddy is hosting a party at his Miami home where he promises to give $100,000 in cash to the best-dressed celebrity of the night. Usually, Diddy only has to fork over that kind of money to radio stations who agree to play his music.

Bombing Motive
The newly arrested suspects in the botched London subway bombings say they were angry about the war in Iraq and wanted to terrorize the people of England… something they were finally able to accomplish by appearing half-naked on British TV during their arrests.

Pumped-Up Hurricanes
Scientists around the world agree that hurricanes have definitely become stronger in recent years, but they can’t agree whether it’s because of global warming or because they need to be strong to get as much cable news coverage as missing teens and runaway brides.

Bible Study Decision
A Texas school board has voted to allow a Bible study course to be included in its public high school curriculum. It’s not clear who’s happier with the decision, evangelical Christians, or high school students in China and India who are now even more likely to take those Texas kids’ jobs in about 5 years.

Wendy’s Deal
Wendy’s has decided to sell some of its share of the Tim Horton’s Donuts chain. Wendy’s is hedging its bets by taking the profits from that sale and investing in prescription heart medication.