Discovery Landing
The Shuttle Discovery is set for a pre-dawn landing after a 12-day mission. NASA scheduled the landing before 6 AM because it wants to capture as much of President Bush’s attention before “Barney” starts on PBS.

“Dukes” Wins the Box Office
“The Dukes of Hazzard” won the weekend box office battle despite bad reviews in every newspaper in the country. Of course, the critics made the fatal mistake of assuming “Dukes of Hazzard” fans could actually read the newspaper.

Russian Sub Crew Safe
Seven Russian sailors are now safe after they were trapped at the bottom of the Pacific for three days with little oxygen in their mini submarine. The men will now go back home where they are expected to star in the first-ever Russian deodorant commercial.

Top 5 Things Overheard in the Trapped Russian Sub

5) “This is like a reality show, but without all those cameras and some dude walking around naked.”

4) “I wonder how President Putin will blame this on the Chechens?”

3) “Well, at least we’re safe from the Russian mob here!”

2) “Okay, I’ve got good news; MSNBC is willing to send a crew to rescue us, but we have to say we’re runaway brides getting attacked by sharks.”

1) “Hey, maybe Tom Clancy will get a decent book out of this.”

Voting Rights Act March
Thousands of demonstrators joined the Rev. Jesse Jackson this weekend to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the Voting Rights Act, which paved the way for full citizenship for African Americans. Now the only thing Black Americans don’t have is someone worth voting for.

Netanyahu Quits
Angry over the planned Gaza pullout, former Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has quit Israel’s ruling cabinet. Netanyahu said he made his decision because, “there comes a time when you have to be true to yourself”… Netanyahu is still waiting for the time when he feels he has to be true to his wife.

Netanyahu Quits II
Angry over the planned Gaza pullout, former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has quit Israel’s ruling cabinet. Netanyahu waited until the vote on the pullout was final, so he could score political points with the settlers without actually having to do anything for them.